Sorry that I've been posting a lot recently. I've just been absolutely falling apart. This could also be triggering btw.

I desperately need my T. I see my T through my college. It's summer vacation and I haven't been able to see her since early May. Part of the school rules is absolutely no contact. Since May, I've been having more issues with SH and I've been slowing losing my will to live (I should mention that for me there is a big difference between wanting to sui and not wanting to be alive). I desperately needed to talk to her weeks ago. Admitting that makes me cringe because I know she doesn't need me back and she could just leave me. I intellectually know that she wouldn't ever just abandon me, but doesn't make my worries stop. I know it's unreasonable for me to think this because of the nature of my school's rules, but sometimes I get upset because it feels like she's not here for me when I need her. I know that's outside of her control and I know she wants to be here for me but again, that doesn't really change how I feel about it at 2am.

I also feel like she's really out of the loop. She doesn't know any of this. Well, she knows about SH but not about the increase and change in it. I also have never been able to tell her that she means anything to me. She tries to get me to talk about my feelings for her, but I've never been able to tell her anything beyond complimenting her shoes. I have just this enormous list of things I need to tell her and I'm scared about overwhelming her in our first session in September.