Darla
I'm really sorry you struggle so much with this.

I have never liked crowds either, even as a toddler. Kindergarten was too much social pressure for me and I fled from it after 3 days. But I was easy to please with a hermit crab as a friend and a stretch of beach to myself. 45 years later, after several severe episodes of mania and psychosis, and lengthy depressions, I am just the same, but more painfully aware of my awkwardness around people.

I would love to be friends with people. I mean real friends, not just shallow acquaintances who can talk the talk, but someone who can reach out to others and connect in a special way.

But somehow I find being with people painful - especially crowds. Having voices coming from all around me is the most distressing and disorientating thing I know (except for when there are no bodies attached to them).

I reach my social endurance limit quite quickly, and avoid parties, malls, restaurants or family gatherings whenever I can. My extended family knows that I will probably need to get out or find a bed and cover my head to get the screeching noises in my head to calm down. Sometimes going out for a long walk alone helps calm me down after a while.

I hope you soon find peace with your pain from social interactions.



TS