((((Queen)))) I see so much of my own experience in your words. My heart goes out to you. The waking up at 3 a.m. could be a combination of the depression, menopause, and just getting older. I never in my life experienced mid-night awakening until I got into my mid 50's. Now, I have come to believe that I will never again in my life sleep for more than 5 hours at a time. (Often it's less than that.) I so miss the depths of rest that I used to experience when I was young.

I totally relate to your saying that you feel there is nothing to look forward to. This is not totally a product of age. As I'm sure you know, there are women much older than we are who do look ahead with hope. I think there is something about hitting the mid-50's to early 60's that is especially hard for people with chronic depression. Let's hope it gets easier a bit further down the line. I am 60. I've had about 3 years of things seeming just awful. Sorry I can't offer you a story with a more hopeful ending.

I think that family structure can have a lot to do with it. Do you have children and grandchildren? I don't. I never before regretted that. Lately, though, I am feeling bereft. Of course, there is no revisiting that decision now. Contact with people/family who love you is very important.

Our husbands, or partners, are not enough because we know that we may outlive them. With my S/O being 17 years older than me, I fully expect to be left alone. That anticipation gets hard. I've tried to cultivate closer relations with relatives. Do you have much family that you could turn to? One of the surprising things that I've been glad to learn is that, as people get older, they tend to yearn more for the company of others their own age. I'm finding that relatives my age who do have kids and grandkids are becoming less involved with them and having more time for me. I try to nurture those contacts.

I hope your distress eases. I know it is awfully hard.