[QUOTE=mojo321;3171544]

I played golf in a scramble last week with my church. Afterwards, I saw a group of about 12 people chatting. I knew 1 of them from 12 years of school together. I walked right up to him, and said, "How did you do?" The group got quiet. He "said, well we had fun!" I smiled and said "Ha ha, yeah, I won't be joining the tour anytime soon. But I only lost 3 balls, so that is a good day!" The group started slowly talking, quieter this time. The guy I knew laughed, but didn't say anything else. He started paying attention to the group, rejoining their conversation. Didn't introduce me to anyone. I stood there for like 20 seconds, feeling like an idiot, then I said to that guy, "See ya' later!". He said "OK, see ya' Mark!" We were both all smiles the whole time. But I got into my car and was thinking, dang, what the hell is wrong with me?

I'm sorry that this happened to you; it never feels good to get the brush off in social situations. But now that you see the same thing happening at church and at work, maybe you can understand that there's something going on in the way you interact with others. I'm sure that it's easier to write it off as "they don't want to be my friend because I'm short," than it is to admit that it has something to do with your personality, social skills, or the way you approach others. The way you describe the situation above sounds awkward-- if everyone goes quiet when you walk up, that's usually a sign that you've interrupted something. Then, when you continue to stand there, even after everyone has gotten quieter and then the person you approached has rejoined the conversation, it makes things uncomfortable. These kinds of things don't happen because someone is short; they happen because you aren't attune to social signals.


But you DO have to admit, when you see a group of jocks, they are all jocks. When you see a group of overweight people, they are all overweight. Tall folks hang out with tall folks.

The problem with your analysis is that you are assuming everyone only belongs to one group-- jocks are only jocks, tall people are only tall, overweight people are only overweight. In reality, people are a multitude of different things. All of these "categories" you are talking about overlap and we belong to an endless number of different categories. Things, in reality, can never be as isolated as you're trying to make them. If the jocks hang out with the jocks, then the short and tall jocks, the skinny and overweight jocks, the jocks of all different race, class, and ethnic backgrounds-- all hang out together. And then this would refute your argument about height! If all jocks hang out together, than height wouldn't matter-- all the jocks, tall or short, would hang out together! Since you say you are athletic, then height shouldn't matter-- athletic people should stick together. Or, if you say, "no, athletic/jock doesn't matter, it's height" then ALL of the tall people should stick together. The tall jock, the tall businessman, the tall garbage collector, the tall artist, the tall goth kid, the tall foreign exchange student-- they should all automatically form a group because they're all tall. Of course, that's silly; the world doesn't work that way. There is a HUGE difference between saying "people hang out with others who they have things in common with" and saying "people hang out with each other because they are the same height." Of course, people need common ground in order to develop a friendship and enjoy spending time, doing activities together-- but what these things are that they have in common varies with each group. And it is rarely something as superficial as height that binds a whole group together. It is rarely just a physical characteristic; most often, it is shared interests, activities, life experiences, personality traits, sense of humor, and/or good conversation.

If anything, the reason you feel height is such a big issue is because it is something YOU feel insecure about. Maybe that is why you are sending the wrong vibes socially. Maybe you need to work on accepting your height, so it no longer feels like such a big deal to you?


If you are 2 standard deviations away from the mean in the category of height, weight, or "attractiveness", then "cultural prejudices around appearance" has a greater effect on the formation of friendships. If you are within one standard deviation of the mean, then you probably don't notice its effect at all, if it even exists.

You're forgetting about the most salient prejudices-- race, sexual orientation, class, and gender. With those categories, there aren't any "standard deviations" away from a norm. You are simply in the minority category. Since I do belong to two of those groups, I know what prejudice feels like-- and it's a lot worse than height.

Big guys will date anyone, tall or short. Short guys will stick to a maximum of maybe 2" taller in their girlfriends. Short girls will date anyone, tall or short. Tall girls will stick to a minimum of maybe 3" shorter in their boyfriends. It's a real thing, you HAVE to admit. I am just saying, if it is a real thing for dating, then it isn't a stretch to consider there to be some variant of it in male same sex friendship circles.

These rules are just silly. Many people fall within these norms, just by happenstance, but many also fall outside them. And, all of these rules assume that everyone is straight. What's your rule for how tall my girlfriend should be? I'm 5'4'' and I've dated women who are 5'1'' and women who are 5'11''. Height has never been a factor. My best friend is a gay man, 6'0'', and he's dated men from 5'6'' to 6'4.'' His male friends also fall within that height range. All of this focus on height overlooks all of the things that actually draw people to each other and make relationships last.

But just go into the corporate world and survey as many men under 5'-7" as you can find to see if they feel they have to compensate for their height to get ahead, and they will tell you a resounding yes.

Yes, and people of color have to work twice as hard to get ahead. Women have to work twice as hard to get ahead. People from disadvantaged backgrounds have to work twice as hard to get ahead. Gay/lesbian people have to work twice as hard to get ahead. The height of straight, white males is clearly not the most salient category. If you really feel that way, then you don't know what it is like to experience real prejudice.