I can't for the life of me remember my exact age. I can remember being in pre-school, kindergarten, and first grade. I can remember it was my baby sitters during those years. I had two different ones. I can remember every detail of what happened each and every time. I can remember what they looked like down to the last mole. I can remember one of them bringing his friends over to join in. I can remember my parents being totally oblivious to what was going on. They didn't know till I finally told them at the age of 18. My mother looked me in the eyes and told me I didn't know what I was talking about ( she has since then apologized but, not wanted to talk about it. My father barely acknowledged it happened. I have never asked my brother if he remembers. Because, they hurt him too. But, when they were done with him they locked him outside and made me stay in.

I am 35 years old and it still continues to effect me. It made for a very screwed up life so far. And that is only part of what i will allow myself to deal with so far from my past. The rest will have to wait its turn.

I know finding this place, coming here and reading everything and posting is helping me. I just wished it was all a bad dream. I know it has to get better. It can't possibly get any worse. Because, I have finally admitted to myself and even my husband I can't deal with it all anymore and need help.

thank you all for being here and being supportive. It truly is appreciated and needed at this time in my life more than any other time. You are all very decent and kind hearted people whether you believe it or not.