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I want to understand what is going on with my husband. I want to make sense of it so that it doesn’t hurt me anymore and I can see clearly enough to make a good decision. He says he doesn’t want a divorce. I am not sure if I want one or not… each passing day I am less confident in his abilities or desires to be a good father and husband – what he calls a “family man.”
We have 2 children – toddler and baby. They are in preschool and daycare full time. I work around 50 hours a week at a high stress / status job. He works around 34 hours a week at a low stress / not a lot of responsibility or pressure kind of job (he told me he doesn’t want responsibility at work). I do all the chores on my days off and am alone with the children most of the time. He has changed diapers maybe 50 times. He doesn’t even know where their clothes are. He is alone on his days off and his 1 chore is to take out the trash which he waits until it is overflowing for days before taking out. He cooks dinner maybe 70% of the time – not lately, though. I handle all other meals. I make significantly more money than him but we still need about ½ of what he makes to get by. All of my money goes to all of the bills and rent. He pays daycare and then whatever else he wants to buy. He does offer me money from time to time and buys groceries from time to time.
I will try to make a long story short.
Just before our 5th Anniversary a few months ago, he told me that he was over our relationship. He said that I am abusive. He told me that I needed to address my issues before he would even consider couple’s therapy. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course I don’t want him to feel that I am abusing him. So, I did a lot of soul searching. I realized I was filled with anger about a lot of things and that I overall was not happy. I went to see my Dr. and was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression. I started medication and going to 2 support groups… one for Post Partum and another for CoDependency (my father was a physically and emotionally abusive drug addict). My husband criticized the medication I was taking as well as the groups I started attending. He has not asked me once how they are going – or expressed any positive reaction other than saying I don’t “fly off the handle anymore.” I admit that I am much happier. I have experienced a huge turn around in my overall personal level of happiness… I am able to enjoy little things again and love spending time with my children.
Even though I am happier, I still have a hard time appreciating my husband. He says he does not want a divorce but maybe a separation. He says that he loves me… but he needs time away because he wants to figure some things out, miss me and love me with his whole heart again. So, he started camping 4 days ago and has not been home since… except for a couple of hours to say hello to the children. He shared with me that he has been drunk each night he has been out and that he has had friends visit and camp with him. He also smokes a lot of marijuana – like constantly… to deal with anything and everything. This is all so hard for me to understand. It really seems to me like he doesn’t want the responsibilities he has signed up for – and he is trying to passively force my hand into divorcing him and making him a victim.
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