I have completely fallen into a depressive episode. I hate this, I. Hate. This. I had a bad episode a few months ago. I landed in the ER and with a med increase. And it worked for a while. I got myself onto a schedule. My obsessive compulsions calmed down. I started eating better and working out every day and I felt good. I socialized to the best of my ability.

But it's all gone again. I have been locked in my room. I have been too scared to leave, to talk. It feels like I have been hollowed out. My bones hurt, my head hurts. I just want to keep sleeping. I started cutting again and it's gotten bad. And I can't run to anyone. I am a burden to everyone. My family has enough stress. They don't need another broken kid coming to them. I am in this alone. As I always am. Alone.

I am so scared. I don't want to do this again. For once, I just want peace. I want the world and it's inhabitants and my existence to make sense for once. I feel like it can never last long. I am too terrible of a person to deserve that kind of happiness. I feel so sick and so alone.