Is what was said to me.

I guess the sentiment behind it is nice. It lets me know that someone cares. But I'm still not sure how to feel about it.

I have low self esteem. It's not exactly a secret. Well. Actually, I'm not being entirely honest. My self esteem fluctuates. It's strange. Sometimes I feel almost superior to most. A fact I seldom admit to anyone. Then, other times, I feel inferior. I feel as though something is wrong with me. The smallest thing can cause me to snap in this way. I guess I have a big ego, and they fall hard.

I don't understand, though, why she once told me to be honest with her. And then when I am, she shuts herself away. Ignores me. As though trying to ignore the bad. I don't blame her. Sometimes, I want to. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to live that kind of life. But I realize it wouldn't. As I used to. And all that bad boiled up inside of me and has left me where I am today. A depressed mess. I don't hold it against her. I just wish she wouldn't ignore me. Even a change of subject would be a welcome relief.

I guess I expect too much from people. And I take it personally when they don't meet those expectations. Too personally. The blow hits almost as hard as a blow to my ego does. Almost. I am prone to mood shifts. Prone to tantrums, and depressive episodes. Prone to trusting someone too much, and then not trusting them enough. I push people away. It's a wonder I haven't pushed her away yet. But I push them away because at first, I trust too much. And then... then, I don't trust at all. This has left me incredibly lonely. I'm not a social butterfly by any means. I'm the exact opposite. But even us... er, "loners" need the occasional company of another human. Most of us desire it. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I'm no exception.

She hates when I put myself down.

But I find it hard not to. I have no life outside of World of Warcraft. My days have become a repetition of sorts. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I brush my teeth. I play WoW. I shower. I eat dinner. I brush my teeth. I play WoW more. Eventually, I grow tired and fall asleep. Sometimes, not all the time. And the next day, I repeat it all. Except for the days when I work. And then I add a few hours of work to the mix. During all this, I am alone. Which makes me wonder why. Which makes me think something must be wrong with me. Though, sometimes, I wonder if something's wrong with them. It's a vicious cycle. And being left alone with your thoughts can be terrifying.

I start to think about the things I've done in the past. I think about all the things I've done wrongs. The things I could do better. And I put myself down. I don't even realize I'm doing it until someone points it out. It's always the same rehearsed lines.

I'll be stuck in this life forever, statistics prove it.

I'll never be anything. Like my father before me.

I'll never be happy.

I deserve to be alone.

I fail at life.

Which are often contrary to the things I said the day before. Or maybe even hours before. So. I put myself down. And people hate that.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I start to question if depression is just "it". I can't afford therapy, though. I have found a place in the city over where you can work out payment plans. Get discounts if you're making as little as we are. But I have no transportation to get there. The official diagnosis was depression. And even though that was ten years ago, I still feel depressed.

My life has become a roller coaster ride. And I don't know what to do about it.

I'm not even sure if this thread fits here... but I feel most comfortable here for some reason. I'm not sure what I expect in replies. Advice? Comfort? Perhaps merely social interaction even if it is through a screen. I am human, after all. And even though I can be hard to put up with, I still need human interaction.

Yes. I realize I did it again.