Eric,

It is good you posted. You have several issues and are already partially on your way to resolve them:

1) the possibility of being infected. You tested negative for HIV, which is great. She should get tested as well. There are also tests for other STI's - call your local Planned Parenthood or find out from the clinic you went to if they also offer tests for other STI's. Note that the risk from one encounter is not huge, so just calmly wait for the results (easier said than done, right?)

2) Her trauma might need therapy. The impact of rape varies. It seems that she is overall doing OK in that she has been having sex with you fine (I had a piano teacher when I was in school - a lovely young woman with a porcelain face and very chic, elegant, highly feminine body curvature; she had never been married, had never had a boyfriend; another girl who was also her student told me why: the piano teacher was brutally raped by a stranger when she was a teen; she developed a fear of men; it was decades before counseling for rape victims so she never got help). There is a woman on the Sex and Gender forum who was put through 9 months of rape when she was young, and decades later she dissociates from sex with her husband. Those two cases are much worse than your gf's case, so you should at least be able to see the bright side.

[/B]In my mid 20s, I was put through one date rape incident, as well, also without a condom. It is bad. But it is not the end of the world. Your gf will be OK. She needs to work through embarrassment and shame. You did very well when you told her that she should not feel shame. I am thinking that probably one reason I did not develop anything bad, psychologically, after the date rape incident was because I did not feel any shame or embarrassment. I felt (and still feel) outraged and infuriated. Being outraged and infuriated is a much better feeling after a date rape because it is consistent with the reality: if you are a victim of a crime, you are justified in feeling outraged and infuriated. Feeling ashamed is not consistent with being a victim of a crime, and is a very specific, twisted response to being raped that is due to a whole long history of societal conditioning that has made sex dirty and has made women believe that they are at fault whereas they are not. People who have been robbed do not feel ashamed. So shame is a very specific response to the very specific crime of rape, and is exceedingly unhelpful. Shame and embarrassment are the reason she waited so long before telling you. Had she been robbed, she would have told you right away. So she, you, and possibly a T should all work towards eliminating the feeling of shame.

3) You should continue telling her that you appreciate her having trusted you with such painful memories. Do not push much - do not push therapy because it is not essential and can wait; do push STI testing for your piece of mind. Continue expressing compassion and appreciation of her level of trust in you.

4) You do seem very anxious and you know it. Exercise is a great way to deal with anxiety. Deep breathing is supposed to help, too, although I personally have not tried.

5) Try to have more sex with her (if she does not mind). It will help with your anxiety, help you guys bond further, and hopefully underscore for her how much she has lucked out on you (her former guy raped her, and you are such a nice guy who has consensual sex with her, calms her down, and respects her - a clear win).

Good luck!