There sometimes doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to life. It ebbs and flows. I have no idea what it's like to live without doubt and fear, without questioning my stability every time I make a choice like whether to try to find part-time work, if I can handle school, if I can handle leaving my house today, can I trust my thoughts, is any of this real, etc. I don't know why it happens. I just try to enjoy the more solid times and hold on during the formless ones. I hope you are able to do the same.