I'm sorry to hear of your suffering. IMO it isn't whether your attempt was real or not, but that you feel like you would rather not be here.

It's good that you are seeing a doctor, imo.

Please don't feel that you can't express the pain you feel... try another avenue... keeping a journal or private blog if you want to use words, or use a method that you have some knowledge of photography, sculpting, painting, even golfing! Get plenty of exercise, and work out some of the tension and frustration I'm sure you're feeling. Every little bit helps IMO

TC