I would say to heck with your husband and his angst and what he wants; those are all his problems. I would decide what you want and go with that.

I like to organize things and my husband is spontaneous (to the point where he wanted to go camping at the spur of the moment on a 3-day holiday weekend and, of course, there were no camp sites left, they'd all been reserved months before). I know/have learned this about my husband and myself, how we work together and, because I love him, it is not a problem for me to organize on the fly (if I must; I also practice being more okay with spontaneous) and try to anticipate what he might like, etc. However, that's because I love him and enjoy being with him. It does not sound like you have that with your husband?

My husband use to worry about how much money he made as he kept score how good he was at what he does by how much money he was reimbursed. I, on the other hand, kept trying to get across to him that we could live in a tent and eat canned beans for all I care, I'd make it work, if he wanted to take a job that did not pay that much; I want him to be happy/alive/excited about what he is doing.

Obviously I pay more attention to my husband and what he is experiencing than your husband pays to you but I think some of that is gender. We are retired now and I have my own projects and we do our own things but I get behind his things at times whereas on a major trip we took for one of my projects, he described himself as "just the driver". He does not really care about what I'm doing but will defend until death my doing it :-)

I don't hear you doing anything that a partner can really be part of? You have your way of wanting the house and kids cared for and there does not seem any place your husband can get in there? He takes the trash out but you criticize how he does that. Who wants to live with their mother and her chores?

It is not obvious to most men what needs doing to run a household/raise children. They weren't around when their mothers were running a household/raising children, they were out camping, playing ball, being boys. My husband was the oldest son of 4 boys and, fortunately, was taught the chore of doing dishes and got a job as a dishwasher at a club when he was a teen. Guess what? I cook dinner, he does the dishes. What is obvious to us because of our lives as girls/women is not obvious to the men! They had different lives, feelings, challenges, points of view. Announcing to a man who gets married, "Okay, now you have to do your half of the household chores, here's the list. . ." is like announcing to your average high school grad, "Congratulations, you'll be starting work as a CPA on Monday morning, see you at 8:00 a.m".

Why did you marry this guy? What was he like before/just after you married? How did you end up with the diverging jobs and when did that start bothering you? How did you decide to do the finances the way you did and did everyone participate in that decision?

If you don't enjoy being with him anymore, if you feel he is draining you, then I would not worry about whether to divorce him or not or whether he would be/act like a victim, etc. That would not be your problem; you cannot control what someone else thinks of you. If you want a faster paced life than he appears to or want to "do" more than he does and do not want to slow down and/or he does not want to speed up, then you either have to figure out how to get the different temperaments (I like organizing and my husband does not organize, is totally spontaneous) to work together or you have to decide you don't wish to do that and split.

But you might want to think about how you feel about people with different temperaments and background to yours. Because we do things a certain way does not make that way "right" it just makes it the way we learned/like doing them. I learned a valuable lesson from my husband discussing ye olde toilet paper conundrum -- do you replace the role when you use the last bit or do you leave it empty and the person who needs the toilet paper next replaces it? My stepmother taught me to be "nice" and replace it for the next person so they had toilet paper but my husband pointed out quite logically that you can't know who the next person is going to be to use the bathroom and it might be yourself so it actually doesn't matter, it's just a preference, not a morally superior duty

I do make sure there are rolls in the cabinet under the sink so whoever at least has one to replace it with and doesn't get caught with their pants down (my spontaneous husband would just deal with that problem when he got to it if he did, taking it in stride; I'd waste my energy being annoyed, feeling like the world and/or everyone else in the household was out to get me -- I don't want to feel that way so I choose to check the toilet paper under the sink every now and then so I don't have to).