I lost my grandfather recently (a few months ago) at the age of 70. He was a wonderful man who always spoke his mind, was handy with tools, fished like a pro, and cooked great too. Despite the face that he was a bit of a racist (we're from Texas; elderly Texans are mostly racist) he always had wonderful advice about life. Every woman in the family, myself included, would wait on him hand and foot if he wanted us to. All he had to do was say his coffee cup was empty and 5 or so of us would stand up to refill it fighting amongst ourselves on who it was. Basically he was the heir-arch of our family. Even at 22 years old if he patted his leg I was so sit on his lap and I did and it would make me feel about 5 years old again. Of course I know some of you may read this and think it's a little strange but my pawpaw was the greatest man I've ever known. Now to move on from his description... and on to how I'm selfish. When he was diagnosed with lung cancer I thought I had plenty of time. When they said the cancer had receded I thought I had even more time to go see him. I work 40+ hours a week and live with me boyfriend. We share a car so I had to wait until we had a day off together to use the car to drive up and see my grandpa. It never happened. I saw him once before he died and though I know he knew I loved him there's still a huge part of me that feel guilty that I didn't go more often. I had always pictured him being there for huge events in my life like my wedding or my kids... me succeeding in life instead of working fast food... I wanted him to be proud of me and instead I never got the chance. I miss him every minute of every day. This is the first close person I've ever lost. My work performance has definitely suffered and my relationship has been seriously strained because of the depression I've fallen into. I'm new here so I'm not sure if this post was too long or what but I appreciate you reading this and anything you might have to say is much appreciate.