Oh heck, I did all kinds of self-destructive things before I knew - and many after. It's certainly easier now that I know, but sometimes I still think I can self-medicate myself in a way that works better than my meds - but only for a very short time, of course. Then it all comes back to bite you in the ***.

For me though, I seem to get more self-destructive when I'm manic than when I'm depressed. Never seems like it at the time, but after I crash back down to earth I'm usually aware of all the stupid things I did that seemed to make perfect sense while I was flying high. Whether it's loads of chemicals or recklessness or buying 50 emergency blankets for everyone I know, it all seems perfectly reasonable when I'm doing it.

One of these days, I hope to get used to the middle of the road and find I like it there. Still waiting...