It started out bad because the A/C in T's building never has worked well, and it was warmish in her office. I don't know how people can stand it! For 3 years it's been like this. It doesn't bother my T, but it bothers me. She turned on her little fan for me.

I asked her about emailing and she said that it's better for our work if I don't email, but she doesn't think about it too much, and it's not "wrong" if I do. But then I had to screw it up by talking about what I emailed, and saying that I wanted it to have an effect on her. Then she said that's why emails aren't good, that I spend a lot of the session talking about them. She said I could write it down instead. So, I felt invalidated and thought to myself about when I could email all I wanted and how she would answer all of them. I couldn't stop myself from telling her some things about the 2 weeks but then we still had plenty of time left.

I got frustrated talking about my house and T telling my that I COULD go buy bookshelves, for example, without my H going with me and having his input. That was an example because I said " I hate my house!!" The clutter. I feel like I can't do it myself, and can't hire people, so we argued about that.

All this time I wasn't feeling anything for her. I can't win, it seems. I told her how I felt last session, and she agreed that it's baby stuff, not sexual. I told her the best part of therapy was holding her hand, but I could still feel it even though I'm not doing it. So she asked if I wanted to do the visualization with me being in my mother's womb. I could only do it for 3 minutes. That's supposed to change my neural pathways and calm me down in my life.

I just felt out-of-sorts. When I feel too much for her, I feel good, but embarrassed. When I don't feel anything, like today, I feel blah. I said "we're not connected and it's like I don't have anything to do with you." Then I said "that's black and white thinking" to which she agreed.

I was upset when she had to move the fan so she could see the clock.I was upset because I felt I couldn't ask if she went anywhere on her week off. I am upset because the connections in my real life are better than my connection with her! THAT sentence should make me happy but it makes me so sad.She doesn't really CARE about what I emailed her.

I really think I wasted my whole session.Why can't I get it straight once and for all that she's only my T? Over and over, I try to change that. Over and over, even though I didn't miss her, I still don't "get it". I feel SO disconnected from her. I still can't get used to her without glasses. I told her that.I said it feels like I'm leaving her already. I can't get the icons to work. I feel so sad and hurt, like my T is nothing to me anymore, and I'm nothing to her.

The hug was almost non-existent. She asked me if I was sick. She could TELL I wasn't. It just annoyed me. I was in a good mood before therapy and in a lousy one afterward. I know I'm frustrated about my H and the house situation. She said "what will he do if you hire someone to help throw things out? Or if I do it? So let him go through the garbage." Then she said something like "you seem powerless and it bothers you, but you decided not to leave him, so you're going to be like this if you don't do something." Not her exact words, though.I feel so yukky because the connection with T is disappearing. I can feel it. I don't want that to happen.