I think you're right. That's why I try not to get mad at her. I try not to expect too much from people. But it's hard not to. It's like... like I'm wired to? I don't know, it's hard to explain. My expectations are always too high and everyone fails to meet them. I'm trying so hard not to let this happen here. I care about this person. A lot. She's the closest thing I've got to a best friend other than my dog. Essentially, the only friend I have left. I know it hurts to lose people. I've been there so often. It can be hard to deal with what others have to say. Especially when it's regarding depression or anything similar.

I know she's trying to keep herself okay. She's come to me a lot with her own problems. I listen. I like to listen. People like to talk to me, too. The few people I have close, anyway. Which are mostly family members, but that counts for something. I guess that's just my inner psych nerd. But in her case, it is because I care. I think so, anyway. I'm not that great with figuring out my own emotions, so forgive me (lol).

I've never been able to get medication. Er, it was suggested by my psychiatrist when I was 13? or 14? years old. I don't remember. I don't even remember it being suggested, I just know that my mom told me she's feels guilty for encouraging me to say no. So, I never took it then. Now, I don't know where to go. I have no funds. No health insurance. Don't qualify for medicaid (except family planning... yeah... that's it... as though sexually inactive me or my 49 year old mother need that). So, I just don't know where to go. If I could find somewhere, I do have a card that gives a huge discount on medication. I used it when I was attacked by dogs for my pain killers. It was something like 75% off for our income level. I just don't know where to go or who to speak to about that. Plus I'm a bit afraid to try them in the first place. My mother had been on them and she says she got addicted. My friend is on them and they worked for a while, but after a while made her really sleepy and angrier than normal. I know everyone is different, still hard not to be afraid of such things.

I'm not sure what that means, either. But thanks for the advice.

In any case, I know I need help. I've known for a long time. I'm just stuck in a small town, with hardly any resources for mental health available, without transportation, and with a steadily lowering income. Over the past four years, I've watched us go from middle class to... well below it. I'm not even sure how much longer we'll have net connection. Some days I'm not even sure we'll have a roof over our heads. It's hard finding a way to take care of yourself and your mother AND finding the mental health you need. I'll be starting school again this fall. And I sometimes wonder if I'm ready. Maybe that's my subconscious trying to talk me out of it. But I feel like... I just don't know how I'll be able to juggle so much at one time. It probably sounds like I'm just making excuses. But believe me. I have tried. I have stayed up until midnight trying to find local places that will give me a sliding scale. Or work out payment plans. Or even see me for free if I can prove we are barely making enough to survive let alone seek therapy. I have bookmarked the one site that I have found so far. It's just finding a way there that has been a problem. I've decided, though, that if I can't get anywhere before then, I may speak to the school counselor when I start classes there. It's better than nothign at all.

I love corgis. I found this avatar in the premade ones for the site. My own dog is a corgi mix of some sort. I have trouble bonding with humans. I can't say I've ever truly loved any human but my mother. I've always been able to bond with animals, though. They're like family to me. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think she may be suffering from some form of depression herself and has trouble listening to me because of it. I try not to burden her too often, but I try not to lie to her, either. Though I admit. It can be frustrating. The way she comes to me constantly, but seems to... I don't know, shut her ears when I go to her. Which is a rarity in itself. I seldom talk about my problems. This site being an exception. And this is just a way to vent and get advice from people I know have been there. With friends and family, I more often than not just... walk away. Hold it in. Which probably isn't exactly healthy. But it's the way I was brought up, I suppose. Sometimes, I don't believe it. But thank you.

To you, too. I want to believe all will be well. But sometimes, seeing is believing..