I can totally relate to your aloneness. I've always felt the same way, an outsider. Even last weekend I hosted a small dinner party in an effort to coerce myself into more socializing (its said to get better with practice for those recluses among us) and heard everyone enjoyed themselves. But...I didn't. I felt like background music. That's how it tends to be, feeling invisible much of the time.
As for feeling suicidal, it sounds like you are thoughtful at least. some consolation huh? I've been told the same thing. As in; oh how thoughtful of you to pack your apartment before trying to kill yourself, etc. But, your despair and hopelessness are still in charge obviously, keep holding your breath cause eventually you'll probably get a cocktail of meds to improve things.
I've been visiting this site for a few weeks and you all are so supportive. It's amazing how much grace and forgiveness we ooffer to others that we wouldn't give to ourselves. My T brings that to my attention alot. (By the way, from another forum on T hugs, I haven't had any touch from my T because I was afraid to ask-fear of rejection- and thought she might consider it inappropriate. Lately, though, I've really wanted one. I've been seeing her over a year now and am starting to get a little dependant on her, which is very scary..but, at least we're talking I guess.)

Anyway, thanks y'all for being so good to each other. Life really does suck but until God is gracious enough to pardon us, it 's good to have something- like the support here- to hold on to.