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Thank you – I really appreciate all of the supportive comments and all of the perspectives on this matter. I want to consider all there is to consider.
He came home last night and we had a long talk. I have to consider his feelings… he is hurt. Having post partum depression hasn’t been easy, for him… for either of us. It is true that I have been very resentful of him and I am certain that I have not been pleasant to be around.
It may be true that he is also not good at household chores… we have been over the chore responsibility thing many times… he tells me that I need to ask him for help when I need and so I do and then he doesn’t do it for days and I remind him and then I am accused of nagging him. So – to avoid the nagging thing, we agreed that I should make a list of the things that I need his help from on a daily basis. The list is on the fridge and has gone absolutely ignored for months.
I can see why he didn’t want to be an active participant in the “family life” – especially if it was miserable for him to be around me.
But, like I said… since I went to the Dr. and started working on getting better – he hasn’t worked on embracing (in my opinion) the situation and instead seems to want to escape it and criticize me for its existence… and is still leaving me alone with all of the responsibilities.
He did not grow up with any religion and his parents never taught him about acceptance or forgiveness… so he says that he needs time and has to learn how to forgive me for the things that he endured while I was sick. Then again – is that right? It isn’t necessarily my fault for getting sick… I didn’t do it on purpose. When he brought it to my attention, I immediately went to the Dr. – I didn’t realize it was happening like that. I have done everything I can and I am also working on scheduling marriage counseling for us (which, by the way he called the therapists I was looking into “Quacks”). I feel that I have truly owned up and I am sincerely sorry for any hurt I have caused – I have told him this. I have tried to show him this… it isn’t easy when he keeps knocking me down and then still isn’t around. I have even thanked him for breaking his silence. I am truly grateful he spoke up.
I don’t know, I just don’t think he possesses the tools to get past this – to evolve – to move on to a new and better place in our relationship and as human beings. I know that it will be extremely difficult for me to get past this if I am constantly reminded of it. Last night, he even brought up something that had happened over 11 years ago – when we were dating… I threw something at him when I caught him red-handed in the act of betraying me. I was shocked he brought that up… I thought that he was WAAAAY past that event – it was so long ago! But it seems like he is just pushing the trash down in the trash can instead of taking it out. Funny… because that is what he does with his one and only chore.
So some background on him. His dad – military man, cut any problems off at the head. His mom – manic depression, maybe schizophrenic, his dad divorced her when he was 6 because he was concerned about the safety of the kids. His dad was his best friend and passed away some years back (very young). He was always very outgoing and driven… until his dad passed. Since he has seemed rather lost or not sure of himself and the direction he wants his life to take. He stepped down from job with responsibility and has slowly started drinking and smoking more. He has admitted at times that he feels lost. He is introverted… has very few friends. Has major social anxiety – just going to a movie or out to dinner is stressful (it has not always been that way – it gets worse each year).
I know that I need patience for him and his process… hoping that therapy will help us. I do love him.
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