I've been working all day on the newsletter for our Star Wars group... if everyone approves it, it will be distrubuted this week. I think it came out very well.

I also got out to see a movie today and I enjoyed it.

It should have been a good day but when I got home I got some news and I just feel like crap. I just feel really betrayed and ignored by people. I've been going so hard to keep my mind on the fact that a lot of my "abandonment" feelings are just me interpreting things badly because of the depression. But today there is no excuse. And I really can't figure it out. These are smart people who understand the illness the best they can, and certainly don't judge me negatively for that, and I honestly can't believe that they just don't care about me, but I can't figure any other possibility. While it is possible that some of them just think I don't want to be contacted or included in things because I've been isolating myself, there are several people in this group who know better, we've talked about it. This felt like a bonafide attempt to just keep it a secret from me. Maybe its just "easier" for them that way.

The few people I talk to, I can't even tell them about this, because they know and it would put them in a spot, worse it would put me in a spot if I found out they knew about it too and were a part of keeping it secret from me.

This is just absolutely NOT what I am used to in my life. I am so shaken by this it is unbelievable. It's like my whole confidence is shot down again, when I had been working so hard to reestablish trust in people.

I can't even describe how bad I feel. It is very late here and I am afraid I won't be able to sleep at all. I'm back to trying to figure out what my "thing" will be for the rest of my life... because more and more "people" and "friends" won't be it.

I am working so hard every freaking day to try to survive this. Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone, as a hermit? That just doesn't look all that much better then I am now.

My Celexa should help me sleep tonight, I'll see how I feel tomorrow. I feel about 19 steps back today.

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--http://www.idexter.com