Hey Freewill,
I can't pretend that I know what you've been through or what you're feeling like. I can only tell you how God has spoken to me when I've been down and depressed and feeling worthless.
One of my favorite passages in the Bible comes from 2 Corinthians 12:
Paul is talking about a thorn in the flesh that was given to him. He pleaded with the Lord three times that it would be taken away. (see verses 7 & 8). "And He [the Lord] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (verses 9 & 10).
God has used this verse so many times to speak to my heart. When I'm feeling my weakest, God is strong enough for me. No matter what happens, God's grace is sufficient. When I can't understand what's going on, when I know I can't do anything about whatever is happening to me, I just have to trust in God and His grace to be strong enough for me--to carry me through--to be my strength.
I don't know exactly what Paul meant when he said he takes pleasure in the bad stuff. I don't think he meant that he actually enjoyed it when bad things happened. I guess that he just trusted God and knew that he was not alone in what he was going through. He knew God was with him and would give him strength. I guess that's about all anyone can do.
But it's the hardest thing to do. It means giving up control and trusting completely. That's something I dislike doing. I'm a semi-control freak and I have a very hard time trusting humans. That makes it harder to trust God. Thank the Lord that He hasn't given up on me and He's there for me even when I don't feel like He is.
I guess I've been rambling a bit. That's what happens when I take a preaching class. There goes the sermon. LOL
I hope I haven't been preaching at you.
I wasn't trying, and I certainly won't on purpose. I guess I just want to emphasize what God has done in my life. I don't know where I'd be without Him.
tugofwar