Peaches, when I copied your post and tried to answer it, I lost my answer so I'll just answer without copying it. I hope that's okay with you. Thank you for writing such a detailed, supportive post to me.

Yes, it helps to be able to write my feelings on PC since I can't email them. I've done all right with no emailing until I HAD to email for rescheduling my appointment. I couldn't resist my urges those two times.

Later on in your reply you wrote that you think my T doesn't want me to email because she'd rather I talk about the hard things in person. That's not true in my case. She doesn't want me to email (and I agree with her) because it reinforces my belief that she and I are more than T and client. I often see us as contemporaries, and I'm actually a lot older than she is, so that adds to the confusion. In some ways, I know more than she does, and I've had more years of therapy than she's had years of training! Our relationship has seemed more casual than with any of my other Ts.

So, combined with the transference where I do see her as a mother figure, emailing fuels my fantasies, as it's been told to me in the past. My T doesn't use those words, but she said "for the work we're doing, emailing isn't good for you." I know the work we're doing is for me NOT to think our relationship is anything other than professional. That's hard when she used to encourage me to email photos of my grandchildren or other scenic photos I've taken. I think I saw as my T and also a sort of friend. That's why it hurts so much now to know that's not true. I have to view her as a professional. It's very painful. I know there's a middle ground but it's hard for me not to go beyond the middle over to the wrong side!

I didn't mean to write all that but I feel better now that I did.

About my Mom. Though she was there for me, something was wrong in our relationship or I wouldn't have the problems I did, and still do. My needs were not totally met as an infant, and I didn't feel totally safe to confide in my mother as a child. I couldn't venture out and become independent either. My feelings were all bottled up inside of me. I did not share my feelings with my mother. I shared experiences, but not feelings.

I am always sure that my T cares about me, and I do know that she can't listen to everything I have to say. No one can. I still want to write a book because then I can write it all out and if anyone wants to read it they can, or if they don't, they don't have to. My T doesn't have to hear all the details, and you're right, I don't want to hear everyone else's details, either.

Yes, I will try to do that visualization again, at home. When I talked about wanting to be with my T, or "take her with me", as I told her, she brought up that visualization, so I did it. I don't know why I fight doing what she suggests. I think I want her to validate the transference instead of switching it to my mother.

Yes, I am starting to internalize my T so she doesn't have to be with me all the time. Not that she ever was there all the time. I don't shut down when I talk about my mother now, so there's progress in that area. In most of my other therapies, I never wanted to talk about her, or about her death.

Thank you, Peaches, for your continued support and for your post. I truly hope that it has helped you also. We're going to get through this!! I know we are.