Can you be Borderline Personality & not cut or self-harm? That is, if you don't count self-harm as...

- binge drinking (an entire bottle of wine in one evening, but only weekends, mostly)

- being a 'non-smoker'... or social smoker all my life/can do it for weeks, even months, only maybe 5-8 a day, then go months or even years with zero?#! so long as I'm not dating a smoker?#! ... but suddenly, on impulse, buying a pack anyway, & then chain-smoking myself sick just 'cuz I've had a 'bad' or embarassing day of displaying yet again TOO INTENSE EMOTIONS (if I had a $100 for every time someone told me that.. " You're too sensitive, too intense, try too hard, talk too fast or too much, stop & breath, you move too quick, care too much, write tooooo long of emails.. you're just all around ' toooo much' ! ' ... I'd be rich!!! Or, I chain-smoke out of the blue because someone/something reeeally hurt or angered me that day & I hate myself for how I reacted.. or I'm mad at myself yet again for AGAIN excessively procrastinating/avoiding doing what I MUST be doing but let myself get distracted (damned computer.. my nemesis!!) so it's like I'm punishing myself or saying "I don't CARE about my health or how ****** I'll feel in the morning anymore!!"

- feeling so alone, anxious, trapped, helpless, like I'm coming unglued with so many obsessive worries in my head, so I decide to tune it out all out, put a smile & a flippant tone in my voice & call up a (georgeous) man I dated only 4 months & then ended it (sorta') because even his last few exes called him Narcisstic but I suspect he's BPD too.... he had maybe a worse childhood than me (alcoholic father who abandoned him/all kids several times & Mom/2 Siblings who moved 20+ hrs away by car & left him with practical strangers, at 13, but he remains in MAJOR denial that his Mom made a mistake, also 'abandoned' him, letting him decide for himself to be separated from Mom & Siblings & left initially with a drunken Dad (who again abandoned him after only 6 months) .. & this ex gets MAD & demeans & attacks me if I date ask him to just 'consider' that he's carrying childhood pain & it's made him self-sabotage al his life & self-harm with excessive booze & cigs too (even admits he didn't care if he lived or died). He's a man-boy (of 51!!) who's extremeley self-absorbed, down-right demeaning & even 'pushes back' (literally...the last 3 GF's were also pushed to the point of hitting/pushing him at leat once, too, like I did, slapped him, lightly, on the face for his demeaning name-calling when I caught HIM doing something deceptive behind my back but I WAS TO BLAME for the argument that ensued !?#!!! I'd not slapped anyone in over 20 yrs!!). Yet, HE rejects ME, refuses an 'exclusive relationship' after rebound night/weekend #5, maybe 6, in only 4 months!) ... because I'm too messed up for him, he says?#! .. while he continues to say "I love you" every time we're together despite telling me he doesn't respect me, can do better, there's nothing 'wrong' with him, it's all me, but he 'loves me' for the amazing sex!?#! Yet.... I keep calling or emailing him, when I feel like I'm going crazy with my own obsessive thoughts, feeling like no-one truly gives a damn (or can ever make me feel so amazing, physically, as he can, despite him driving me CRAZY personality-wise)... so at least I can pretend to feel 'normal' if I spend a night or few hours getting hugs, kisses, feeling 'loved' & 'safe'... even when I know I'll feel even more confused about who/what he is to me & what he truly feels towards me, afterwards... & I'll feel even MORE abandoned, used, self-loathing.

Does all THAT count as SELF-HARM??? as I have NEVER cut or harmed myself (as an adult).. unless still biting my nails at 53 counts? Can ANYONE relate to this 'other' self-harming ********, or is it all just low self-esteem & addiction to 'that feeling' that I never got (nurturing, caressing, touch) I never got as an infant/kid ??

Does anyone know a good Dating Site (in Canada) for people with BPD or something similar like BiPolar, or Anxiety? I"m sooooo tired of attracting only guys who're as messed up as me, even more! ...'cuz they're sooo in DENIAL & quick to Project all Their Crap Onto Me! I know I have issues but at least I admit it & am TRYING to do better/get help! They're not ... & it only makes ME feel WORSE about myself in the end for getting mixed up with these boy-men!

It's soo frustrating... 'cuz I'm very attractive (former CFL cheerleader a million years ago...) so I get tons of attention, but when they sense I'm 'different', or 'too much', instead of taking the time to read up & try to understand my 'chemical imbalance' (I like to call it.. that I tell them about by like the 2nd or 3rd email or date - doh!!!?#!!) ... they write me off as 'relationship material' but play me/stick around for the sex (which I'm also 'too intense' with, & so 'the best I've ever had' they all tell me)!!!! Geez... I can't win for losing!!!... tough enough to understand men & their sexual 'addictions' & 'compartmentalized thinking' without my having BPD (or ADD, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, or what-ever the hell shrink #4 wants to label me with in the past 10 years, depending on triggers/situations in my life at the time they saw me.. it's all soooo subjective.. no 'blood test' or drug to take that 'poof' cures it so we know for sure what it was!?

OK, once again.. TOO MUCH !!!! Sorry, hope some of this at least resonates with some of you out there! Can ANYONE RELATE ??? ARGHHH!!! Wishing everyone lots of healthy peace, love, healing, & quiet contentment (something I don't think I"ve EVER felt.. my friend also says to me "Dee, you don't know how to relax, not even when you're relaxing/doing nothing" .. and a former Supervisor said 'You must go home tired all the time, your mind is so detailed, complex, active!' ) Again.. ARGHHHH !!!! (I think even my best Counsellor just gave up on me because I finally let my anger show for something that I had every right to be VERY angry about... but still, I think it scares people that I can show such intense emotion, never throwing things or attacking, but the F-bombs fly & my tone gets ugly.. so opposite to how I normally am.. sweet & accomodating & pleasant with everyone, to excess... WOW, that DOES sound like BPD !!!!) THANKS FOR LISTENING (anyone who managed to stay tuned.. again.. sssooooorrrrrryyy! )