I have been growing restless, wanting to do more with my life. Before I became physically ill, I had such high hopes and dreams. The panic attacks, ocd and depression started as a small child. I developed IBS and ulcerative colitis when I was 18 and the panic attacks came back and it changed my world. Over the years I struggled to finish college and hold a place in the working world. I had to be self sufficient and I had to pay my own way. I did manage that before my body and my "nerves" wouldn't and couldn't be pushed any further.

Lately I've been wondering if I could manage to go back and get another degree or maybe even my Doctorate and teach or do something vital with my life. I feel as if I have never achieved my potential.

I asked one of my irl friends who is a very logical person about working. She said I'm not healthy enough to work again. I asked one of my irl friends who is a dreamer and she told me the same thing. So, today I asked my counselor, whom I trust completely.

We considered the options, looked at all the pros and cons, and she, too confirmed what my friends said... I can't do it. My body won't cooperate. When my body doesn't cooperate, my mental health problems get worse.

Right now I'm having some major health issues. My stress levels are off the charts. I had panic attacks all day today and I didn't have the luxury of coming home. I had to be out and about from early morning until 6:30 p.m.

The only thing I know to do is write. I can sit and write. I'm frustrated. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry at life. Yet, I know I am no one special in that I am just a person and bad things happen to people sometimes.

I ran into a person last night with whom I attended Jr High, High School and college. There he stood in his expensive business suit and there I stood in a blouse, baggy jeans and tennis shoes, looking the total opposite of how I did when I worked. He asked me where I'm working now. I told him I am disabled. I didn't mention the mental health part but I told him about the colitis. He looked at me and said, "If you don't have your health, you have nothing. I know it has to be hard."

We were never friends. We just were in classes together. He didn't look down on me last night. I was ... I can't even find a word for how I felt... validated, maybe, by his understanding.

I've cried a lot today. Too many things are happening to me and to those I love. I stood in the mall today and tears streamed down my face and I could not stop them...

Jan