Hi there.

Two resources that will help answer some of your questions.

http://www.suicidal.com

http://www.depressionfaq.com

Both are excellent resources. I would suggest reading them throughly, especially the second source. It will help you understand where your girlfriend is coming from, because you are probably wondering what is going on with her.

I am severely depressed myself and I can probably put myself in your girlfriend's shoes as a result. Your girlfriend went off the SSRIs because she didn't think that being on them would look too good in the eyes of the people providing the insurance. There is a huge stigma attached to mental illness. 1 in 4 people will probably have it during their lifetimes (I think that's what I heard once), but 40% are going around untreated.

Why?

Because there is a lot of fear and shame attached to being mentally ill. So much so that we are scared to talk about it. People make fun of other people who are mentally ill, that's the way the world works a lot of the time.

We shouldn't be afraid to talk about this. I am depressed and I know that I am scared to talk about it openly because I fear that people are going to make fun of me, call me names or just be afraid of me.

Being depressed hurts like hell. I am in a wheelchair. I am in constant pain from sitting up in that wheelchair. I'm on morphine for it. Being mentally ill hurts even worse than this and unlike physical pain, there seems to be no relief for it. Not being able to talk about it only adds to the pain. It's socially acceptable to say I'm on morphine for pain. People will rally behind me. But the minute I say I'm mentally ill, they will slip away, abandon me, mock me. I can't live like that.

I'm a writer. I write about my life. Being mentally ill is a part of my life. It is a part of me. My encounter with the psychiatric institute at the age of seven changed my life forever. I lived there for almost two years. My parents say it didn't help, but it gave me compassion. The apparent cruelty of the staff and of being confined made me swear that it would never happen to me again and that there had to be another way to treat the mentally ill better, by understanding how the mentally ill think. My experience made me a better person. I should be able to share that freely with the whole world. And I'm too scared to do that. So I keep my story quiet. I sat on the banks of the Ottawa River across from Parliament Hill, wanting to die while singing hymns of praise to God. I kept my real feelings hidden. I still do.

It took great courage for me to go to the emergency room, plop a bottle of sleeping pills on the nurse's desk and tell the nurse I wanted to kill myself. Because that brought my dirty little secret into the open. Everyone knows, my doctor, my social worker, my psychiatrist, my attendant who is my best friend, everyone who I didn't want to know that I was weak and vulnerable, now knows that I am thinking and planning my own death. I have told other trusted friends only because my life is at risk from this depression and there was a time when I loved my life once...the person who loves life is the real me. And I told them because I like to isolate and I CAN'T WIN THIS FIGHT ALONE. As for telling my story to the world, that may never be and that breaks my heart, because it could help a lot of people.

Your girlfriend has decided to take things a step further and not take the medication, fearing that doing so will cause the health care provider not to cover her. THIS IS A MISTAKE. She needs to be back on the medication and she needs to see a mental health professional, regardless of what others may think. HER LIFE IS ON THE LINE. Which is more important, some insurance or your girlfriend's life?

The reason why your girlfriend "won't" help herself is because when you're depressed, everything takes up a lot of energy, too much energy. What I used to do was sleep for 16 hours a day. Your girlfriend might not even have enough energy to take the pills. IT'S TRUE! I know with me, taking my pills has to be a conscious, deliberate, and forced effort or I won't take them, even though part of me knows the pills will help me. I skipped my meds for 2 days last week because of this and they were right on the kitchen counter.

When you're depressed, you believe nothing you can do will help you. It is a disease of a mind, of your very thoughts and your thoughts are telling you to do some terrible things: like run away from people, or isolate yourself for days at a time, or that you're lazy, no good and that no one loves you or wants you. No one cares. Your mind may even tell you that it's OK to kill yourself! These thoughts are as strong as a man's sexual drive, maybe even stronger. It takes great strength to fight them off.

I KNOW. I'M HAVING THESE THOUGHTS NOW.

Getting angry with your girlfriend will not help matters any. It will make her feel worse, because this is not something that can be driven off by mere willpower alone. If it were, I'd have been better years ago. Your girlfriend needs all the help and encouragement she can get. Check out those two websites I gave you for more information. READ THEM THROUGHLY. Get your girlfriend to a mental health professional. And drop by here often, there's usually someone here who will give you a helping hand.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.