Since my mom died last year, I've gained 30 pounds and I wasn't thin to start with. I beat myself up about it nearly constantly.

In my session on Monday, I was telling T how much it bothers me and, like always, he reframed it as a coping mechanism that he doesn't want to take away or replace while I'm dealing with all the other stuff. I was so frustrated when I left.

Yesterday, we talked about it and I realized that it's one of the whips I use on myself and him talking about not making it a punishment terrified me. He's helped me let go of a lot of other whips in my life. My weight is one of the last ones I still have and I told him that not having something with which I can punish myself is scary. Who am I without self-flagellation?

We're working on it.