I did confront one of them recently... questioning, not accusing... didn't want to make him defensive.

Seemingly overcame a huge misunderstanding about what I needed and what I wanted. And it was a misunderstanding, he thought he was doing what I needed and wanted for him to do.

So for yesterday I have no explanation.

I'm really shaken because I've been trying to visualize a time when I feel well enough to go "back into society" and be around people, these people, again. Trying to imagine me dropping all of my judgement and baggage and hurt in the past and just having fun with them again. I've been doing that since this started, one of the long mental ropes I've been trying to climb to keep myself sane.

Now I feel like I slid all the way back down, and the guy who was supposed to tie a knot at the bottom dropped the ball too, so I'm back on the floor and can't even reach the rope.

The thing is I thought I had surrounded myself with good people. Intellegent, sensitive and open... I could see how they treat each other in times of crisis. And I still think they are good people. I'm just not one of them (not that I'm not "good people"... just that they don't consider me one of their close friends.) And that stifles me too because it sure didn't seem that way.

For the most part I do know that for most in the group, it is a matter of me isolating myself. Also with my health issues. One actually asked me a while ago, when emails would go around planning to meet to see a movie, since I would be unable to make it would it be better to take me off the email list, so I wasn't constantly reminded of the stuff I was missing, or leave me on so at least I still feel "connected." That kind of sensitivity seems to have completely disappeared.

But there are people in this group who I've SPOKEN TO about this, as hard as it was for me, hoping not to push them away further. They assured me that I was very important to them, that they cared how I was doing, would visit and stay in touch, and if it ever came up in discussion, would let other people know how I was doing and what I needed.

Was it all a bunch of head nodding? I honestly can't figure this out. It makes no sense. I know these people and can't believe that they don't care or don't want to care. Maybe they are all planning a big surprise party for me and are meeting in secret to plan it. But 7 months should have been sufficient time to plan, cater, host, and clean up after a party, no?

I haven't even eaten yet today... I'm going to go and try to be constructive. I already cancelled everything I had on my "to do" list today... I knew I would just need to take it easy today and not push myself. Hopefully I can at least get back on track with that tomorrow.

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--http://www.idexter.com