There you go, look at what you learned. You couldn't learn that any other way, really. You did not almost attempt because you don't want to attempt at all, you want the pain to stop but suicide does not offer a way to get what you truly want so you are "stuck" looking for better ways which is what T is all about. You should be proud of yourself, that you figured this all out and can cross off "bothering" about attempting suicide, it's wasted thought/energy.

Look at how much "you" are in control. You are doing what you really want (not dying). You are worried about disappointing T but that is a worry and worries are about future events and we can't know the future. So, another thing to cross off doing as it doesn't help you. What do you think you try next that T would like?