I feel like I have been losing it this past week. I have read several postings and I was surprised to see some many feeling so much like I feel right now. I feel absolutely helpless. I have shut myself off from the world this past week. I don't want to communicate with anyone and only today when I felt like I was falling off a cliff that I was able to make the effort to type "depression" in Google.

I have been dealing with depression most my life. Right now I am having another episode. This one was triggerd by a letter in the mail. I'll go back to last year when I got arrested for DUI. Thank goodness I did not hurt anyone! I was discovered stuck on a railroad track. I have been pretty much a wreck since then. The short story is that I spent thousands of dollars, lost my case, paid my fines, served my community hours and had my license suspended. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I was not an alcoholic. I was, prior to that night, a very responsible social drinker and was usally the designated driver since I rarely drank. The letter was from the State of Florida letting me know about my lost case and suspended license (4 months later. Things seem to take a while to get put in the system here, I guess). I don't have health insurance. I just lost my job last night. My car got totaled from the accident and my car insurance dropped me. My friends don't even know I get this way. Hardly anyone knows I even got arrested. My boyfriend and I have our own issues between us and just started couple counseling. I feel many of the issues are because of me getting so depressed. What bothers me so much is the loss of control. I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend or anyone else WHY I get this way. Most people see me as very socialable and easy-going. No one would believe I got a DUI. I can only ignore the phone and e-mails for a short time before people start questioning my reclusive behavior again. I know I am also to blame for feeling so ashamed to admit I have a depression condition. I literally feel like I can stay shut in my room for weeks without seeing or talking to anyone I know..just my dogs and me. I have done distructive, agoraphobic behaviour before. I don't want to be put on meds. I would be willing to take something natural. I do feel like I need to get alot of stuff out of my head and feel like I might be able to relate with some of you here. I am not into public meetings and I cannot afford additional private therapy sessions...especially since I just lost my job. I have cried all day. Part of my head knows what tasks I need to accomplish today and then the depression fills and I end up crying and can't organize my thoughts or focus to do anything but feel a cloud of misery. I know I've rattled along and I probably typed all this in a scattered fashion but I know I won't be judged by that or feel like I have to have structured paragraphs. Thanks for letting me let some of this out. Thanks, everyone for sharing your thoughts. Reading your posts made me feel compelled to post also.