I haven't felt comfortable posting on here for a bit - had a session with my therapist last week and have been feeling pretty off ever since because of a comment he made.

Most of the time, I work from home on the days I have sessions; mine are first thing in the morning because when I started seeing him, that was the only time he had available. However, last week I wasn't able to work from home so he offered me a cancellation at 7 PM. When I got there, I was still in work mode so I was "on", still in the same performance mode that I feel I have to be in, or at least try to be in, whenever I'm around people in general that I either don't know or don't trust. The first fifteen minutes of the session went differently than usual - he was joking with me and I was being sarcastic right back and it felt more like two people having a conversation than anything else. Then he asked me "Is this business Anna?" When I told him yes, he asked why he doesn't see her more often.

I may be over-reacting but I'm kinda upset about that comment. I feel he implied he likes "Business Anna" better and would rather talk to her than the messed up piece of garbage he usually sees. I feel like a place I was starting to think of as safe is now back to being in the same category as my office or any other public place - somewhere that I have to put on a carefully controlled act to fool everyone into thinking I'm OK, in control, etc. I was just starting to overcome some massive trust issues and bad knee-jerk reactions to being in therapy that stem from my childhood and now we're right back to square one.

I know part of this is in my own mind but still...I want to feel safe to be me in session, not feel like I have to fool him like I have to fool everyone else.