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Jul 21, 2013, 08:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ultramar
The 'reply' for some reason didn't capture everything you wrote, so I'm not just referring to the above, to all of it --wanted to say that you explain this very well and it makes a lot of sense. I really like how this is something that is done and reevaluated together, as a team, if you will, it's out in the open, etc. It sounds like a really good relationship.
It IS a very good relationship, and honestly, a lot of times that scares me. I still frequently have to re-convince myself of her genuineness and that she's not out to get me somehow. Getting MUCH better, and at least now I can consciously recognize the pattern with her and also others. But I am just very thankful for her presence in my life.
One question came up when reading this: How will you know if/when you've become able to carry her with you *while* you're still having daily contact? What comes to mind is, would you have to do a kind of 'experiment' at some point (say, no contact for a day, then 2 days, etc.) to see how you do, to see if you have, in fact, gained that ability to carry her with you (I think you're talking about object constancy)? Would you sort of taper things down to see how you do? Initially, of course, it would probably be very difficult, but once over that initial major change, maybe you'd see that you can tolerate therapy without it?
Another great question! Personally and more lately, I consider this question every time I feel the need to contact her. I would say I only contact her about 10% of the time that I feel the "need." Truly, I miss her constantly; I've never missed anyone so much in my whole life. (She knows this.) We recently had an almost 3 week break that was like a special form of torture for me. I was absolutely shocked and appalled by my own ability to miss someone so much.  It's kind of a new thing for me...
Anyway, lately I have been asking myself, in the moment of need, "what is triggering my need for comfort" that I feel like I need to reach out to my attachment figure? And also, how can I meet this need myself? Sometimes I can figure it out. More often I can't, but the real progress is that I'm asking the question instead of impulsively reaching for her. From there I decide if I really need to contact her. Mostly, what I do is initiate a small text conversation in the morning and this helps me feel stable for most of the rest of the day. When will I know when I don't need contact as long as I'm contacting her? I don't know...wish I could give you a better answer! We are headed into some dangerous water with regards to topics in session so right now I'm not ready to learn how to pull away independenty because I know I am going to need her a lot in the coming months. She is okay with that and was the first to bring it to my attention. Once again, I'm trusting her...she knows the process, has seen it and experienced it...I am feeling rather blind!
If it were done in this manner, how would you know (or your therapist) that it's 'time' to give it a shot? Maybe if you were showing signs of object constancy in other ways, indicating that you're ready?
All in all, I think the most important thing is honesty from both people and constant, constant communication. I have to be brave enough to man up and tell her exactly what's going on...that I miss her intensely, love her, hate her, whatever. She has to be professional and mature enough to manage her own boundaries, tell me when it's becoming "too much" or if she feels I'm "ready" to be pushed out of the nest. I trust her in this regard. She constantly reminds me not to worry about her boundaries and that I am not allowed to take care of her, she is her own responsibility not mine. Honesty, communication, honesty, communication. I cannot stress it enough. If it feels difficult to talk about (i.e. how much I miss you, how much I love you...) you should probably say it. The most difficult thing I ever told her (how much I love her) has been an ENORMOUS turning point that I never saw coming.
This is a really interesting topic. Often times on the board, there's a lot of back and forth (and I usually offer my 2 cents) on (frequent) contact vs not. But I'm really interested in having a sense of how the process towards less contact would look like, would work, in what ways it is a means towards an end, how to reach that end, and why. Thanks for your input, PumpkinEater.
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Ultramar, I really appreciate your thoughtful questions. I have not had the opportunity to fully dissect this issue in such as way as I have been able to to with you. Sure, my therapist and I talk about it all the time but these are some really thought provoking questions you have thrown out, so thank you for the opportunity to delve in a little deeper to an issue that I, too, find very fascinating and a little scary!
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