It all started in the chronic pain forum. Basically I have some issues that sometimes and sometimes often cause me extreme pain. Well, I have done the whole spine clinic thing and thought I had a plan.

I went to my personal physician whom I have liked and trusted for a long time and she went over the spine clinic stuff and told me that I should not be on narcotics except in an extreme flare up. I was stunned, having already taken a vicodin 2 plus hours before for pain in mid back region, and still in pain. I asked her about what she was thinking and she said there is nothing on the science from the tests that speaks to my severe pain and that I had to manage on celebrex and narcotics infrequently for extreme flare ups. She said she didn't want to help me to get addicted. She also told me a very high number of scripts since August and I know there is no way in hell I have taken that many pills. She stated she trusted me etc, and wanted to help me.

Well, I have been stewing, took 2 more vicodin after visit yesterday and was pain free. I have been in a lot of physical pain today.

I was never believed as a child. It was not only wrong but dangerous to ask for anything to get your needs met. I didn't feel pain like other people most of my life and still don't feel it like other people. I have a very high tolerance.

I know this is my PTSD, on one hand writing a letter to her stating I needed P,T, acqua therapy, and on the other telling her about today's pain and my feeling helpless. I put every container of everything I had prescrption-wise and put it in a bag and dropped it off at her office with a letter. She wasn't in today and will be monday. She perscribes my anti-depressants, prozac, wellbutrin. She prescribes clonazapam. Well, no matter what your logic wants to say to me, I know and I can't let it in. I am cold turkey from everything as of today. I also called the drug store and I am going to get a printout of all meds since August. I feel so horrid, disbelieved and now I understand the hospital treating me like %#@&#! when my rotator cuff and bursitis/tendonitis was happening.

I am angry and I don't care if it's cutting off my nose to cut my face. I just don't even believe in docs now. I don't trust they can help and I am done. I started tumeric which is supposed to be for inflamation tonight. I will start the st Johns wort etc but I will never ever be dependent on anyone ever again to help me with my pain.