i noticed i've used the word "rescue" a few times recently. i looked it up in the dictionary (see below). "come to the aid of; save the life of; salvage; recover; get back..."

i needed aid when i was a kid. noone came. so now i still wish for it but really, i'm 50. noone is can recover my childhood. it came and went. there will always be grief in that for me. and truthfully, i've been rescuing myself all my life; from the time i discovered alanon to choosing therapy and journaling... et al...

i must validate and recognize my strength and courage despite the temptation to find familiar fault. it really becomes a choice. breaking a bad habit of thinking in ways that give me nothing but familiar misery and agony...

i was a victim in childhood. and i'm pissed noone rescued me but damn, i did okay. i don't have much in terms of friends and am still looking for my life partner but i have freedom and dreams and plans and a precious connection with animals and nature. i thought by now i'd have a solid intimate partner relationship but in my mind i know that is rare. even those married for decades aren't necessarily happy. and i am still free to keep searching without anything holding me back... i imagine there are some married folks who wish for that...

in my current sadness and disappointment with yet another failing relationship, fearing i'll be alone forever, i miss what IS. like this very cool relationship i have with 3 feral cats that i've been watching out for for many years. so much so that they sit on my front step every day, yes in part because i feed them but also because i help them feel safe here. so much so that the youngest kitty lets me pet her and today i picked her up (and not by the scruff!), albeit for a few seconds, but she didn't try to scratch me - which really says something wonderful about our relationship. who says human relationships are better?? if suddenly the world announced that our animal companions were equally if not more valuable than human i would kick myself in the head for not having honored that part of me all along, just because society was saying humans are more important...

i would love to stop wanting to find a human partner; would love to stop feeling it as a void. it is especially hard in the couples world we live in. maybe what i need is to explore the parts of me that may want to be rescued* by another human so that then i can strengthen practicing really fine-tuning rescuing myself even more: being that woman i believe in; the woman i admire; the woman that is inside and wants to be seen; the bohemian barefoot moon goddess hippie... it feels scary to think of myself so confidant. i suppose because it means releasing a very familiar wounded role... *(i want a partner that will love me and be safe and gentle and caring and loving and know how to communicate their inner self and allow me to love them and care for them. where is the rescuing in that? trying to be brutally honest. it's on the tip of my tongue: i want someone who... hmmm... i'm not clear yet... what i do know is that as i focus on being my moon goddess self and all that that means to me: confidant, centered, at peace now, warm inviting home, volunteer, healthy and fit... THAT is ME saving my own life; THAT is me releasing myself from familiar habits of feeling depressed and victim and incapable and scared and fat and ugly and weakness and fear... that is me being at one with ME and then maybe i'll attract a healthier partner because i'll be coming from a healthier place... like attracts like. and while i've come a long way on my journey, it's time for fine-tuning... do i dare hope? you know what? as long as my focus stays on becoming at one with mySELF then thoughts of any possible partner dissipate in the mist: it becomes irrelevant because i am happy as is. a partner would be extra. and who knows, maybe i'll get to a place where i genuinely don't want a partner...

maybe i need to process another layer of grief. accepting the loss of never being rescued. i managed to go to a Spiritual Center today and i think in the past since i didn't feel an overwhelming feeling of relief or rescue i probably wouldn't return. but i allowed in what was helpful today even tho i needed to keep reminding myself to stay present and i appreciate the gifts i received. there was nothing magical but who knows, maybe the magic will be clearer in hindsight... it usually is...

RESCUE
verb
1 "an attempt to rescue the hostages": save, save from danger, save the life of, come to the aid of; free, set free, release, liberate.
2 "Boyd rescued his papers": retrieve, recover, salvage, get back.

noun
the rescue of 10 crewmen: saving, rescuing; release, freeing, liberation, bailout, deliverance, redemption.

phrases
come to someone's rescue: "We were stuck in the elevator until Marty came to our rescue": help, assist, lend a helping hand to, lend a hand to, bail out;...