So I'm going through some problems with my husband now. I really don't know how to handle it. I have been crying all day. I feel so alone. Of course my husband still wants nothing to do with my mother. I have had no one to talk to bout it for o long. Lately I've been emailing my cousin, who my husband doesn't care for. I've told her everything that has happened and even my frustrating feelings towards my husband. Today my husband read my emails because somehow I left them open.
Anyway he didn't tell me at first but I knew something was bothering him. I kept asking until finally he jumped own my throat and said you've been complaint to your cousin about me? You have been trashing me to her?
I stayed calm, and just said, no I haven't been trashing you, I adore you. All I did was tell her what's going on, and how I feel. He was being so sarcastic. Ind you this was all on the way to the food store. Even inside the store. Then he basically told me my mother could rot and he never wants to see her again. I mean this is getting ridiculous. The pain I am in mentally is so exhausting. I'm constantly hurting. Then we left the store buying nothing. I tried talking to him on the way home, spilling my feelings especially about what I've endured with his ex wife and children. I said, you should put yourself in my shoes for once. He doesn't care at all.
I am so alone. When we were home I tried talking to him and just said, we need to talk about things. He refuses to, he just says there's nothing o talk about. I don't know what to do anymore. Things feel broken. It's like he has no compassion for me or this unborn baby. I'm just so tired of not knowing what to do, or walking on eggshells to not set him off.
I should mention that on Friday I spoke to my mother for the first time, it was only a few minutes but she told me that she prayed for me and this baby everyday. That she misses me and loves me. She was crying. I hung up and cued my eyes out as well. I don't know if we will talk again, or if we do how things will be. But I was happy with myself that I found courage inside of me for once. I'm always the one following, or the one who runs after everything because I'm so weak. For once I didn't feel that way.it was a release. The feeling was indescribable. I felt great the rest of the day. I told my husband and I thought he would have been happy for me. He just basically said, that's good. I thought maybe we could go and talk to her since she seemed like she was in the mood to do it, but he refused. I didn't push the issue, but today it really hurt when he knew how much it would mean to me to fix this family problem and he adamantly said no.
I feel like he doesn't care enough to give me a hug if he sees how distraught I am. Tonight I was a mess. All I wanted was for him to say, I'm here, and its ok. But again, nothing. I'm not asking for this man to change, I'm just asking for him to show some warmth towards me and us.
He used to be different. I fell in love with this man for so many reasons. Now it seems like he's a totally different person. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared about everything. I don't have that courage feeling anymore. I feel worthless again. I feel beaten and I feel like this time I can't get up. I'm lost again. I feel so out of control.