These put a much needed smile on my face. Hope you enjoy them too.

Some simple truths of life by George Carlin...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

10. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

11. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?