So I have been working through a workbook on Mindfulness and Acceptance for Anxiety. It really hammers accepting your worries, anxieties and fears. Just being with them and getting on and enjoying your life. Not letting them hold you back. Having your feelings and not judging them, letting the thoughts come and go. I have been doing pretty good with it. I even got over my agoraphobic ways and made it to the grocery store three times last week. My goal for years now has been to experience joy, I want it more than anything.

So this weekend, I went to paint class on Saturday then I went to lunch and the movies with a friend on sunday. I also went to a store to redeem a gift card someone had given me. that seemed like a real chore. I tried talking myself out of it a number of times but I used the skills learned in the book to get me there and then to starbucks afterward for a drink.

driving home, I was thinking how it was all too much for me. although I enjoyed the movie and time with my friend, I would have been just as content to spend the time at home watching tv. so getting out of my comfort zone really did not bring me any joy so I could not see the pay off for having done so. I really didn't like anything at the store I had to cash the gift card in so there was no pay off there either. or is it just my mind screwing with me because I would rather be home?

so what makes matters worse, is that today I called in sick to work because I didn't feel like I had any time off on the weekend and I need some time off to decompress. that is why I feel like a failure. cause I wasn't able to face my anxiety and move on with my life. my life is stopping today because I cant handle it.