all i have to do is be honest. just say out loud what hurts but i can't. i trust the psycho police immesly but i don't trust her with this. i don't trust me. i'm afriad to let go of the details. i'm afraid to be ok. talking about what really hurts about the past seems impossible, unspeakable. someone hurts me a long time ago and i can't talk about it. i don't struggle so much with talking to her, i struggle with what i'll be left with after the hour is up. it won't be ok. i control what happens now but i couldn't then so what happens if that happens again? i can't be out of control like that again. i can't say what he did, what i did and why it still hurts now. i don't understand why it still hurts now, it's over.

i guess i'm just having a hard time with the therapy "process" right now. does that mean i'm ready to talk? i'm getting ready to go on a bit of an extended vacation (i'm in the military) and i wonder if that is what's making things in my head want to get out right now. i know how to get them out sometimes i wish i didn't know so much, maybe that would make it easier to take a risk.