You know, it does seem to be closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. I do understand why you want her to be checked, and it is very sensible, but I can also understand her feeling of rejection esp as this is coming over as your main concern when you've both been together so long. She's told you something very important and I guess she now feels like she's being punished for something that wasn't her fault.

Did you ask her why she never got checked after the event? That may have given you a clue as to how to handle this. Have you talked much about what happened, or has it been mainly about a clinic appointment? I feel from your post that perhaps you've not handled this as well as you could've - you admitted to being really bad over this, and I wonder if your feelings of anxiety and worry as well as the clinic stuff has made her feel awful about herself. To regret saying something to you.. well, that's not good. And no, you shouldn't have got yourself checked without telling her unless she refused to go, and I wouldn't ever tell her you've been. And it's worth considering that being raped does not HAVE to equal an STD. You can just as easily pick one up from a one night stand or a partner... we just never know. Did you think of STD's before you started having unprotected sex before you found out about the rape? I think that it may be good to remember that too and why she may be feeling punished.

So from my understanding now, you've got a stalemate in place? No more unprotected sex until she gets and STD test, and she's digging her heels in? I hope the picture helps, but I get the feeling a lot of understanding from each other is needed. Perhaps couples therapy may be a way forward too, to try and rebuild.

Hugs