Not really. If I collect memories of them I'll just get more upset that I'm not with them. I also have a very hard time writing down positive things about people. I'm not sure why.

I guess my primary problem is that I'm currently not at my parents' house, but my program is ending at the end of the week and I'll have to be taken back and I'm so scared and so anxious about going back to that house that I'm melting down. I don't have anywhere else to go and I'll just be alone in that basement for 5 weeks with limited human contact. That scares me a lot. I don't want to go back there. Ever. Part of me wants to just end it all so I don't have to deal with that, but I know that would be an incredibly stupid reason to die especially since I'll be back in Boston with my T and my friends in just a month. Part of me also just wants to run out and grab a knife while I still have the freedom to leave the house so I have a "better" tool for the 5 weeks, but I know that is a horrible idea too. I could seriously hurt myself and if I seriously hurt myself, I'd have to go to the doctor which I really don't want to do especially because my mom would have to know about it.

It's just 5 weeks. I can't just spend those 5 weeks being self destructive, I just feel so trapped and afraid.