Hi there Pammie!

Let me start by explaining that, while my name is Dr_Cher, I am not... repeat NOT a therapist. Please do not take anything I am about to say as if it were coming from anyone or any place other than the heart of a fellow mother / daughter / nana. Okay? Okay!

That said. We could be sisters! Wow. I am so sorry you have experienced this, too. I'm a little older than you but my mom was of the same generation as your mom and had pretty much the same mind set -- could it be cultural?!?

Indeed, my mom managed by pawning us all off on relatives and friends as much as she could. I think that generation was very self-centered. Not that that makes it okay, it's just an observation.

What helped me most was learning to see my mother as a wounded woman. While her own wounding does not give her free rein to wound others - not by any means - it does help me to understand how she got to where she was.

I learned that I can have compassion for her wounds and I can forgive her wounding me, without feeling the need to subject myself to continued woundings. At least that is where I finally got to twenty-five years ago. I can respect her. I can love her. I can have compassion for her.... AND I have to do the same for me. Does that make sense?

If we were sisters, what I'd say to you is this: You are a big girl now. As the saying goes, put your big girl panties on and deal with mom! ((((smile)))) Talk to your mom. Tell her how you feel. Tell her she hurt you.

Remember, you do not have to accept lame excuses in order to forgive her. AND, for her sake and for yours, you need to set some boundaries with her that support your own dignity as a daughter, a mother... a woman!

You will notice that the term boundary is NOT a four letter word! You might also notice that, healthy boundaries are best embroidered into awareness allowing some flexibility without dissolving or breaking -- boundaries etched in stone tend to be brittle and harsh if you catch my meaning.

You deserve your own support in your efforts to grow and heal. Don't let you down! AND... your mom deserves the opportunity to grow and become a better person. IF you choose to let her know how you feel and how you were hurt by her apparent lack of concern, she will have a grand opportunity to contemplate her approach.

If she chooses not to, it is her problem - don't make it yours. Your only problem -- if it is one -- is finding the strength to respect yourself enough to respect her human-ness enough to not get in the way of her opportunity to grow! Does that make sense?

If you had hurt someone, wouldn't you want to know? Wouldn't you want to have the chance to grow? I would. Of course, I also think you gotta tell your mom yourself how you feel, and not count on your sister. It might help to write out your thoughts, first. Or maybe have a trusted other role play with you. I find it helpful talk to talk to my bathroom mirror -- it helps me sort out possible projections!!!

In any case, get to a place of confidence and calm and then tell you mom how you really feel! Be prepared to hear her -- really hear her -- and respect her position and still... set some healthy boundaries with yourself and with her.

Again... it worked for me. It may or may not work for you. It is just an idea to consider. That's all.... like that. See?