Sorry Onward. I was away at the shores. I came online a wee bit while away but, didn't check my posts. Thank you for replying. Yes. I suppose that worrying love is not love (as I understand it) can hamper its potential. But, at the same time, even before these things [whatever they are *in toto*] occur, I am in full trust really. I imagine that to be because my heart is true. I must admit, come to flirtation I am wide in expression. In relationship, I am true. (I am speaking IRL , which can develop on-line, and in fact led to a 2 year thing for me)

Love to me goes beyond the superficial. The thing that remains when the house of cards collapses [the comfort of it all running smooth]. The thing that says, I genuinely care about what this person thinks, feels, their welfare.

If I really say what it is here, I must admit that my behavior does not project these things. But, that is because I am not loved. I am an object, a concept, a tool who is a means to an end. It never fails.

Maybe I don't even recognize when I am loved. I mean it always ends with me leaving because I feel "not good enough" and them saying…"I am a grown man! /woman….I can say for myself who's good enough. Please don't leave." But, I can't believe it. Thing is, there are behaviors which over time, collect, and in sum say to me that this person is very inconsistent. I dunno.

I guess I don't discuss it with people I get close to. I tell them they "can abuse me in any manner." That. "I want it." And I do.Because it is what I learned. And that abuse feels so powerful that it translates to love. I can't explain it. I need to "feel" powerfully. When it tones I panic.

Yes, I consider myself fully unworthy, although you may never know it by my behavior. I generally do project a confidence, and hardness of heart to protect me from anyone getting in. Then it leaks out. Once I trust, and the excitement of "learning me" wears off, idk….it falls away. As if people have a facia. I really do seem to be rambling. As though my thoughts are not cohesive. Haven't even had coffee. I apologize there is no better outline for/...and /disorganization of my expressions. Perhaps after caffeine ….. *shrugs, and sighs*

Thank you for taking time out of your life to interact with me. I do appreciate that you have.