This is a great response, Dr Cher.
I am 56, with an 80 year old mother. I have done much of what you have suggested already, over many years. The only think I cannot do is talk to her about any hurts. Out of the question, so we relate on a superficial level, and that is how it will remain forever. Now, as she is elderly and frail, she would not be able to deal with me telling her anything in the way of how she abused me all thru my years at home from infancy on. I do see the wounded woman, who grew up the eldest of 5 children in a coal camp in MIngo County, WV, the brunt of abuse herself. I see the young, insecure girl who disliked herself, tearing her face from pictures at that teenage time, unable to graduate from high school because of her insecurities, not lack of ability or intelligence. I see all of this, with the knowledge that I was hit, spanked and switched with a branch daily while growing up, usually not knowing why. So it is hard for me to feel compassion oir closeness to her, though she wants that now, pretending we are a loving family.
In my mid 30's a therapist told me I had been abused as a child. It had never occurred to me till then.
As years have passed, and I have dealt with this and the repurcussions of it, I've emotionally detached from my mother, though I still make the occasional phone call. I haven't been to visit her in person since last Christmas, and will make the trip once again this year.
My point is: at some point one has to start taking care of oneself.
Patty