this 'coming-of-age' has been strange, to say the least. i thought i had it all figured out, up until now. everything made sense, my life was normal. i had good grades, i was a good person, ignorant cherub of a girl. impenetrably young.

to think back, it sounds so stupid, but a lot of people hurt me. i lost myself somewhere in the middle, and my friend died in a ad accident. i went to his wake on my birthday, and it felt like the undertow was pulling me out to sea.

i didn't feel sad, i just felt empty and hopeless. things seemed meaningless and inconsequential, and my focus died. i had no heart left to spare for art and study. i had no heart left to spare for friends and family. i wanted to be left alone.

that's not to say my feelings have far changed since then, but i like to think i've run a distance to separate myself. it took me a long while to realize that my childhood had never been healthy or normal, and the way that people treated me was undeserved on my part. i believed them when they said i was a bad person. it never penetrated my head, but it sunk into my heart. i suppose the years of it wore me down.

it's hard to look for help when you don't want it. i don't want people to know that i'm struggling, because it's pathetic and sad. i have no one to go to, and even i fail myself when i need me most.

i don't trust others. i just...don't. relationships are hard for me. friendships are strangled by my inability to just stay. how can i ever form something lasting when i can barely form the basics? i've tried, romantically to say, but when they touch me, and when they speak to me, suddenly so different from friendship, i cannot.

i cannot give them what they want, and i cannot say no, so i just end it. i'm afraid because if i can never give them what they want, they won't stay. i'm sad because i'm lonely, and i'm lonely because i'm ineffectual and insufficient. i used to have such close friends, but it turned to nothing in my hands.

no one likes me anymore. i was replaced by my dearest sister.

i don't want to speak bad of her anymore, because it does no one any good. it neither helps me nor her, and is therefore useless. i just want you to know that she has hurt me, now and in the past. she has never liked me, every step i make has been seen as spiteful towards her no matter how best i try to avoid it. she has always liked confrontation.

i don't want to speak bad of my mother, because it does no one any good, but she has hurt me. whether with her hand or with her tongue, she has hurt me. i am not a loving child, so i keep quiet and i keep my distance. my sister has always been preferred, always bought the best clothing, the class ring, the car, the driving lessons, computer, many other things. i found out just recently that i wasn't a wanted child from my father. my parents are separated.

my mother originally planned on giving me away to her sister, so i guess it all makes more sense now, how i will always be second best, but it all just means i have to fight for what i want. i don't need her, and i don't need my sister. i don't need the people who have abandoned me.

but this is all background, and i've started the road to move past this. i'm scared because i want to be independent from my mother, i hate asking for things, but i feel like i'm just playing the part. i forced myself recently to get a job, but i don't feel like i'm working. i feel like i'm pretending. i feel like a child when i look at the people around me.

i'm an adult, a young one, but i am. i'm so tired of where i'm stuck. i've written these things prettier than they could ever feel, and i've written them like this because it's easier. i don't know why.

i don't want to be a child anymore, and i don't want to be alone anymore. i don't want to feel like no one will ever love me, or i will never be able to progress in a relationship. why am i like this, and can i fix it?