hi wounded.

i can admit that i went through a very brief stage of wondering whether i was gay or straight but that has passed and i know i am straight. it must have been due to my age, because i am only 19. i used to find myself having sexual thoughts about men rarely anmd i always felt dirty afterwards, almost guilty. this may be have been due to the fact i had only just began dealing with sexual abuse i suffered 9 years ago. i dont really know the answer. but these thoughts passed and i only get sexual thoughts and fantasies about women now.

about your husband, i think - from reading your post - i know what it is. you say he hated himself and had depression a little while ago, which may be due to a possible sexual abuse. there are 2 elements involved here: 1: the self-hatred & depression, and 2: the sexual abuse. the self hatred he suffered is now causing him to seek attention, he needs attention to feel happy, and unfortunately hes getting it from a hetrosexual man. your husband needs the attention to feel good, so when anyone gives it to him, he begins feeling things for them, sexual things. whether they are male, or female, it wont matter to your husband because he thrives on the attention. because this "Dan" is giving your husband this attention, Mike is warming to him and enjoying the attention. hence the reason mike had a "thing" with someone 7 months ago. its all about attention, i really dont believe its about sexuality, as your husband would have come out as being gay many years ago.

the abuse you think he suffered in his younger years will make him fantasise about sex. its natural. often, people who have suffered sexual abuse sometimes feel as though they enjoyed it, and they sometimes fantasise similar situations. luckily i havent experienced this, but i know it happens. so your husband may be experiencing this right now. and if he was abused years ago, and has denied it ever since, it means he hasnt dealt with it properly and that will only make things such as self-loathing worse. which in turn will make him seek attention from anyone who is offering it. male or female.

if i was you, i wouldnt worry as to the sexuality of your husband, mike. i would focus on letting him accept himself and feel good about who he is, because once he does feel good, he wont need the attention he so desperately needs. now im not saying you dont give him any attention, obviously i cant judge. but the attention he recieves from you will never be enough if he feels this way about himself. he will ALWAYS seek it from others, and it could lead to 3, 4, 5, maybe more people he fancies. to me it seems he does it just so he feels good about himself, and he probably hates the fact he feels this way towards men, but he is drawn to it.

he obviously loves you very much, otherwise he wouldnt be married to you, nor would he have kids with you.

re-consider the therapy for him, not necessarily marriage guidance as i dont believe there is a problem with your marriage. by the sounds of it you two make a good parenting team (as you say) and you two obviously love eachother (you wouldnt be on here asking for help if you didnt love him) so there doesnt seem to be a problem with the marriage. he just has issues that need to be addressed for him to feel at ease with himself. so ask him if he wants to see a therapist. this will make him drag out the issues he has, including both his possible abuse and his self-hatred he has to deal with daily. i am sure things will improve after that as he will accept himself and will be able to drop the negative feelings he has for himself, which he tries to mask by grabbing any attention he recieves from anyone.

hope this helps. im not an expert on this, far from it. but i think he just has issues from his past that needs to be fixed before he can move on.

you sound a wonderful wife, wounded. keep strong for him and keep making him feel loved. and along with therapy, that should help him settle down and relax more.

hope it all goes well and i wish you all the best in the future.

simon