Final Chapter:

Nothing else happened after my last update. I continued to do better and better getting over him and even met someone new. However, when that new relationship ended for reasons of its own, I had more time to go back and question what happened with Neighbor.

I had spoken with my therapist about it. He thought it may not be a bad idea to go ahead and just get together with him and ask what happened. But I was wrapped up in this new guy and feeling much better so I didn't.

Last weekend I went to a friend's wedding. I spent most of my time with her best best friends who were all a little hurt that they weren't bridesmaids and had little to do with the planning of the wedding. This prompted me to remember my best friend's wedding and wonder, yet again, why she never even mentioned asking me to be a bridesmaid. This was five years ago and I thought, what the hell, why not ask her why she didn't. It's been bothering me, I may as well know. So I asked her. She responded that they didn't want too many in the bridal party and she was really close with the girl she chose at the time and she regrets it and she's sorry and she loves me. Well, that went so well I thought, why the hell not unbury some more hatchets and find out what happened with Neighbor? So, after a considerable number of glasses of wine (this is after the wedding reception) I send the following text message (pretty proud of my grammar given my state at the time):

"Hey. I know its been a long time but I was hoping I could get an explanation why you stopped talking to me. I've been confused about it for a while and thought I'd get over it but I find it's still on my mind. If for nothing more than to help me understand future relationships. I've already f***ed up another one. P.S. If you're tempted to reply with song lyrics, please don't reply at all."

I received the following message about a day later:

"hey. been out of touch for past few days. I didn't intentionally stop talking to u. Life got really busy for me and I've been gone a lot. I've since found a girl I've been w for several months. I think ur great and still think so. We never talked about anything beyond hanging out and having fun."

And, my response:

"No, I know. It just seemed an abrupt end to a friendship I had enjoyed. I assumed it was something I'd done. 'I got busy' is about the lamest excuse I've ever heard. Right after 'too much laundry.'"

I don't believe him that he simply got too busy for me. I think he is ********ting me. Which is what I was afraid of and one of the main reasons I chose to never try texting him about it before: I suspected he would choose to evade the question with something like this. Also, right before the other guy dumped me, he said the exact same thing: "I think you're great." What the f does that even mean? I can't decide whether to take it as a compliment or not. It doesn't feel like a compliment. It feels like placating. Also, "too busy" has always been an offensive excuse to me no matter who is giving it: I'm a single mom and a CPA (and this was during tax season = working 50-60 hours a week), serving on three non-profits boards, programming a radio show twice a month, coaching a kickball team, and snowboarding or traveling to shows on my (one) day off. Busy? BUSY?! I'll effing show you busy. And I never just stopped talking to any of my friends.

Needless to say, my self-esteem has taken a major blow. I'm reeling; I haven't delved into depression like this since college, since before my son was born. I'm questioning my worth in every facet of my life. I recognize this as some sort of daddy issue... I think I have an inordinate need for male affection given my (lack of a) relationship with my father. Top this off with the fact that three of my closest and most supportive male friends have died in the last year and a half (yeah, the third died in the midst of all of this, about two months ago, just as I was getting super close with him and discovering all we really had in common). Oh, and P.S. my aunt is going the same way as my mom: she will die of cancer any day now.

I don't want anyone to think I'm taking all of this lying down. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. I plan on telling him I desperately need to rebuild my self esteem. I also have a list of positive affirmations taped to my bathroom mirror, as of this afternoon. That's supposed to help right? Also, I'm practicing gratitude every time I think of it. In fact, I'll do it right now. I am grateful for: my son's health; my smart, cute, sweet puppy; my sister and her unwavering support; my funny, brilliant friends; my house, my job, and the town I live in; wine.

If anyone has actually read this far, thank you times one million. You da best.