the job i've taken up doesn't earn me much, and i'm currently fighting for access to my own funds. my mother claims that i will spend all my money, and so often just takes my paychecks. she claims she is putting it in savings, but i don't trust her with my money.

i'm still in high school, but just barely. my ability to focus has really left me, and i find it really hard to do much of anything for certain periods. occasionally i will be able to focus for lengths of time, but more often than not i can't.

i have no real friends currently, and i live in a small town where making more isn't really a possibility any longer. i've long looked forward to college, and have been looking through different ones, but my mother refuses to talk to me about it. she won't help me and won't even attempt to guide me. the one time i looked at schools with her, she told me i should just go with the cheapest one i could find.

i was a little upset, but it was more with the way than the what. i understand we don't have much money. for some reason these things don't apply to my sister, who has tried two colleges already.

i'm sick of 'finding myself'. there's nothing left to find. nobody wants to hear my sob story, typing it up is embarrassing enough. i just want to get past this, but i'm not sure what the next step i should take would be.

i've set literal goals for myself, but they don't get me anywhere either. my next goal would be to drive, but i'd have to pay for the lessons, and my father already told me that car insurance would be unaffordable, so there's almost no point...which means that i also thought of saving for a motorcycle or scooter, but my mother won't let me.

she says that i am already spending money i don't have. it's just hard when they won't buy me anything and won't allow me to buy anything for myself either. the money i make is barely pocket change, but i'm not allowed to touch it and i'm not allowed to ask for money either.

nobody in my family really cares to understand that these steps are so huge for me, and i really struggle to decide to do them in the first place...and i just don't know what to do. my life just feels pointless right now. without someone to share anything with, without a goal, and without a clue of an idea of what i'm going to do in the future...it just makes me feel real **** about it all.

i come across as a massively whiny brat, and i apologize for that. i don't typically do self-pity because it's really pathetic and sad, i just...i need some sort of guidance from somewhere. anywhere at all. it seems the more i'm actually doing things, the better i am at maintaining relationships. [ such as when i work, i actually contact my dad back to go for breakfast when normally i don't. ]

i've thought about art lessons, but my art infuriates me. my father was an artist and my art teacher is always telling me my art would be good enough to compete in the industry, but i just feel like my art hasn't developed any further in the last two years and it's not where i want to be, so i haven't been doing any art like that lately. and i'm shooting down ideas left and right and have turned this into a pity rant, sorry.