Hi, I have been gone for some time from here. I guess I would start with that I have never since being a member here spoke of the one thing or person who I love the most and who I am so dependant on and yet the one person in all my 34 years of life who knows so much how to upset me so bad and I am just feeling so much fear right now to even write about her and this. My mother.

I really do not know where to begin. I guess I would like to start by saying that the avitor picture of me in the corner of my posts is not a violent person and he is not bad and he has NEVER physically hit another person in all his life and even when he was a patient on psychiatric wards he never ever hit anyone, but he does get upset and in the past has yelled and screamed at others, but because he is frightened of them and does not realize that the others are frightened of him and really does not want anyone to think that he would hurt them in any way. He only looks mad, really he feels scared and alone and mostly misunderstood. He trys really hard to be a good person and he still feels bad most of the time but not because he does bad things, because he is afraid.

I was physically abused by my mother after my dad divorced my mom when I was 10 years old and mom blamed me or she always told me I was just like my father. She would out of the blue go bezerk when I looked at her wrong, and tell me to wipe that smirk off my face only I would say the truth that I did not know what a smirk was. Then as always she would hit me across the face. I still do not understand waht a smirk is. It only means be ready to get hit.

Now, I am an adult. I love my mom more than anything in the world and she is all I have in the world right now and besides God, she is the only one I have to talk to. I guess she just is tired alot and always needs to eat and has low blood sugar when anything I try to talk to her about upsets her or she is upset with me. I dont understand the things she does. She goes to church every sunday regardless of anything and teaches sunday school and things and has to church praying for me and they mail me a post card every week and cards to say they are praying for me.

I believe in God. I am sick. I have been on disability for about since I was 21 years old. I worked all from age 15 to age 21 when I had a breakdown and admitted myself to a psych hospital.

Now I have physical disability and chronic pain and recently moved back here to my home town so as my mother put it , I could be closer to my family and her and she could help me better. I had no friends there as it was or known anyone other than paid people who came to see me.

Today, I was asleep still when she showed up this afternoon and last night I phoned her because I was in so much pain and could not get the things all brought into the apartment and needed her help and the pain was overwhelming me. I also was attempting to take care of all the bills and things I do on the first of the month with my social security check.

I had gotten all the money orders for my bills and paid and out of my check I was so proud to have still cash my own money this month of $150.00, and had plans to not need much money this month from mom.

I have been having bladder troubles lately and I had the cash in my wallet and went to buy cat food and they were out and I rushed in to get the cat food and it is ten dollars and I usually leave the rest locked in the car but had to get to the bathroom fast and shoved the money in my wallet. I went in and they were out of the kind I needed so went back to the car.

Then I felt for my wallet and remember thinking that I needed to put it in a better place as my pants pockets were shallow. I then went on and then realized the wallet gone.

I panicked I have panic attacks, and I went right back there where I had been and the lady gave me my wallet someone had turned in and I opened it and all my money for the month was gone. I became really calm and had faith and then realized I had gone through my car for 2 hours in the parking lot.

Today Mom came and I told her I was very sick still today. I had just woke up and had been sleeping for over 15 hours and I could not pretend all was ok. I was upset over all my money gone for the month, she said not to worry not any big deal cause at least I paid my bills. I still in so much pain and she wanted to run the sweeper when the first thing she got here and was yelling at me cause i was crying in pain and all.

I felt so upset cause she wanted to hang the new drapes she ordered and I told her she cared more about the floor and how things looked than how I am doing as far as my declining health which she will not allow me to talk about I am not allowed to talk about almost anything I feel. I am not allowed, and she will leave or hang up on me if I do try and talk about my feelings and today she got mad cause I said that I am upset cause I dont know how to make friends and I only have her and God to talk to. She said for me to just shut up or maybe that one person would just stop coming or doing anything at all.

I dont know what to say from here. I was so upset when she left here, and I had the same thing as usual, no one to phone to try and talk to and so I told God that I was going to open the phone book and please help me try and find someone I might have once known but forgotten and be able to call and talk to them, i did not find anyone. I am sorry to have wrote all this out but I just want somehow to be able to try and let others here get to know me and try to explain that I am not bad and that I am not dangerous and I mean no harm to anyone only I need friends and I need to be able to try and learn how to communicate with other people. I try and dont do very well. Thank you if you did read all this.