I can't help but think that people choose their spouses and fall in love based on as much information as possible. But emotions run faster than information when you are getting to know someone. So people also choose their spouses and fall in love based on a CRAZY amount of "holes" in their information. We all take a gamble when we fall in love, that the holes in the information won't be deal breakers when the information trickles in after the LOVE happens.
In a way, you exploited this truth about how love develops.
Your cross dressing was a hole in the information.
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This of course hit her like a ton of bricks, ....., feeling betrayed that I never told her....
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Clearly, this WOULD have been a deal breaker had you told her when you were dating. But you hid it because you kinda KNEW it would be a deal breaker. And you were falling in love with her! So fast forward 15 years and then you think the bond is cemented enough to confess? That doesn't seem fair. So for 5 years she then tries to get past it, because she did, after all, fall in love with you and have kids with you and everything was "perfect" (within reason, of course).
But for her, this was a deal breaker. She probably still loves you, and will always love you. But she isn't "IN love with you". Just like she said. I totally get it.
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She says she forgave me a long time ago about the betrayal for not telling her
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I can see that. Like I said, love forms even with a ton of holes in the information. She didn't tell you 100% everything about her before you fell in love and got married. She knew that some things about her you would learn about over time. But before the marriage, I'll bet she didn't have any deal breakers poking at her mind. Did you keep this deal breaker a secret on purpose, even to the moment of your wedding day?
Cross dressing is a VERY difficult issue to understand from the outside. At it's core, it is when a man enjoys wearing women's clothes. What does that mean on a sexual level? What does that mean on an emotional level? What does that mean on a fidelity level? Add the "secrecy" aspect to it, and what does it mean on a trust level? This is a huge paradigm shift in how she used to think that you think.
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Occasionally she would ask me if I was having "urges" and I always tried to be as honest as I could that "yes, sometimes I still think about it, but I'm not doing it". She has never seen me dressed, I have never tried to get her to accept that part of me, never tried to justify it, never tried to make it part of our lives. To me, it was a non-issue.
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Over the course of those 5 years, these were your opportunities to tell her that you don't think like that anymore. You were honest, which is good and fair to her! But the answer reinforced her view of how you think, which is the deal breaker. This was the litmus test.
You can't manufacture desire. If you desire one thing, and she desires a man that doesn't doesn't desire what you desire, it ain't gonna happen!
Either you change at your very core, or she changes at her very core, or you separate. Which is the most fair? Which is the most POSSIBLE?
I'm sorry if it hurts. And this is just my opinion. You have every right to disregard it!