I have about 2 hours to decide whether or not I am going to cancel my T session for tomorrow.

I'm not in a good place right now, feeling very silent and empty and let down in life. I don't see how seeing T will help. I know I need to take action in order to feel better, but I am in so much pain that it just feels totally hopeless.

Since I haven't had a session since the end of June, I'd imagine there would need to be some time of working towards reconnecting. It would feel like a waste, because I don't feel up to "working" right now.

I can't afford to waste a session, especially since they are out of pocket now that I reached my cap for the year - and I need to face the realization that my income at the moment will barely cover my mortgage and put me in the hole each month - let alone afford therapy. Yet, I am still in denial about all of that.

I'm also still quite upset and disappointed about how T 'gave away' my session last week - it was to be my first session in nearly a month, the longest I have gone without seeing him - and he gave it away....and maybe I just want to cancel as a way to show him that I don't "neeeeeed" him. It won't hurt him - and I don't really want to hurt him - as he has told me that he has a waiting list a mile long, so I'm sure he'd get someone to fill the slot with no problem. A false sense of power, I suppose.

Yet, if I cancel, I know I will feel badly about it. I've always taken pride in being one of those clients that stuck with their commitments. The disconnect between me and T will grow. It will take that much longer to get back into the work. And I miss him.

*sigh*

I hate feeling so indecisive.