I'm sorry so many people feel as alone and miserable as I do. I know they say misery likes company but I truly don't like to hear of anyone being miserable. But it seems that maybe my posts helped others to have the courage to post also. Right now this is all I have. I am not communicating with anyone. I cry daily. I am indoors everyday unless I go to the store or have an appointment. My apartment is very dark and depressing. It is a horrible mess also since I don't have the energy to clean. I barely want to shower and get dressed. I walk around in sweats, my hair uncombed half the time. I am a complete mess. It is a wonder my BF has not thrown me out. He feels responsible for me I guess. But I know he wishes I had somewhere else to go. I feel bad that I have put him in this position. On the other hand I get angry with him because I know he doesn't want this relationship and I feel I have put my all into it and him. I was doing fine for the past 8 1/2 years. I was working and taking care of everything, making sure the bills were paid and everything. He was unemployed several times over the past 10 years. He wasn't sick either. He feels bad for me at times and will try to comfort me but other times he gets mad at me and says you need to get a job. I feel humiliated at the fact that I feel unable to get and keep a job right now. I don't feel like I can do anything. My self esteem is in the toilet. I just feel like a failure and a loser. I finally spoke to someone the other day. A family member called and I decided to answer the phone. He was questioning me about what was going on with me. He was clearly concerned and trying to be helpful but the fact that he was asking so many questions about my messed up life was just making me more depressed. He wanted to know why I couldn't find work, why am I not married since I have been with my BF for so long, he just kept digging. I was getting very upset and frustrated. I told him this is why I don't usually talk to people. I said I know you mean well and your concerned but lecturing me isn't helpful. So he hung up shortly after that. I did tell him I appreciated him and loved him but I guess he won't be calling again. This is how all of my conversations end up. People wanting to know why my life is in such a mess and why don't I just fix it and me ending up feeling worse. This is the reason why I withdraw and isolate. I don't know what the answer is. I did see a Dr. and she put me on wellbutrin which I was on before once. She claims she will increase it to a higher dose and that it is a very good medication. Whatever! I'll try it. I am supposed to start seeing a therapist next week. I am not sure about whether any of this will help me. I just feel so hopeless about my life. I thought I was going to have a life with my BF and it is clearly not happening. I am just here because I have nowhere else to go. I am not close to anyone else. I just don't know what will happen to me.