I started the day crying so hard and so long, I could not catch my breath. I try to explain to the few people in my life that it is like I went to sleep when my son died in January and that I just woke up and facing the loss head on for the first time. Images of finding him blue on the floor are constantly in front of me like they are on HD TV.

Traditionally with my bipolar this time of year is always the worst for me. I go into a bad mixed state. All of my suicide attempts have been in the summer.

I am trying so hard to deal with this constructively, but it is hard.
I did call my PDOC this morning. His solution is to put me on Cloziril. Cloziril is for schizophrenia and is so dangerous that you have to have blood tests every week before you can get next weeks pills. It is also a huge weight gainer, I am trying to lose the 90 pounds from the Seroquel. What an idiot , I don't know why I even ask for his help. I spent 2 hours on the Internet trying to find a grief counselor in my area. You put in grief and loss counselors and your area. You get pages of people, but when you go to their bios that isn't in their area of expertise.

I want to do things in my mind, but physically I am exhausted. Don't ask me why. The house is a mess and that is being nice, filthy is better. I am a mess, I usually care about my appearance.
It seems like so many things are out of order and I don't have the slightest idea where to start.

I hated the vacation in Maine, I felt too far from my son. I don't know if I will ever be able to let him go. As long as I sit in the house some part of me says he is still here, just sleeping or something.

I am supposed to go over my step mothers for dinner. My brother and his wife will be there. I am sitting on the couch trying hard to get up and get a shower. I don't know if I can put on anything near a happy face today.

I do think of suicide a lot these last two weeks, but I think about how Jason looked when we found him. I would not want anyone to find me like that.

I can't comprehend how a parent could ever go on in life after losing their only child. Nothing I mean nothing means a darn. Life now is just a series of breathing in and out and nothing more.